Online Dating Oracle

I met Jason on Tinder. He kept everything polite and simple, and miraculously kept a normal conversation going without yelling at me or sending me a penis pic. Amusingly enough, I gauged his sense of humor by asking him to avoid yelling at me or sending inappropriate crotch images and he smoothly responded that of course he wouldn’t do that – but I had to make the same promise to him. Jason was a laugh riot!

To make an even better impression, Jason chose a place to meet that was exactly halfway between each of our apartments. Once we met up, I was pretty impressed by his appearance – he (thankfully) looked very much like his online photos, was well-dressed and had a great smile.

Jason worked as a sommelier and found a great wine bar for us to go to. That place turned out to be too crowded so we walked down the street and found another one. Once we got settled at the second-rate wine spot, our conversation went well. I could tell immediately that there wasn’t that much chemistry between the two of us, but he was easy to speak to. After Jason turned his nose up at my wine order (Prosecco is a favorite – stop judging), and described why champagne is better, I asked him why he moved from one part of the city to the other just to make conversation. As it turned out, he moved when he broke up with a girlfriend he had lived with for a seemingly long time. And this is how the conversation progressed:

Me: So did you just start dating again?

Jason: Yes. The day you started talking to me on Tinder was the day I put my profile up.

Me: And you’ve never been on an online date before?!?!?

Jason: No – I guess I haven’t.

Me: But you were so cool with my warning about not sending me any profane photos or texts!?

Jason: I just figured I would follow your lead?

Me: So…you’re not really aware of all of the weirdness that can happen between two people who know nothing about one another outside of a few photographs and texting?

Jason: What do you mean?

What followed after that was a general speech from yours truly about what to avoid when finding oneself in the online dating pool. I covered everything from strategically-taken selfies to stalkers to angry obsessions.

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…”

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…” http://matrix.wikia.com/wiki/The_Oracle

Doesn’t this guy watch Online Rituals of the American Male religiously like I do?! Come to think of it, does anyone watch that show besides me? I must’ve gotten lost in my own head for a bit (that one glass of horrendous carbonated wine must’ve done it) and I then came back to reality.

Me: Sorry – I’ve done online dating for a while, so I tend to have a lot to say about it.

Jason: No…that’s okay. These are things I should know I guess.

It’s a good thing I didn’t feel much of a connection to Jason because his offer to go on a wine-tasting tour on our next date never happened. He never got in touch with me after my crash-course in online dating and in retrospect, I don’t really blame him.

How can he even compete with my vast experience?

Note to self: On your next date, don’t get into a screaming tirade about online molesters when trying to impress someone with your breezy smile. Heh.

What’s That?

Online-Dating-Someecards

Here are some of my favorite e-mail* exchanges from the past few weeks:

Profile: nice man like to lungh coofee the city to listen and gentel 🙂 and funny

(nothing else is filled in on his profile and he has approximately 8 photos of himself most likely taken on the same day in front of what looks like a hotel in shorts and flip-flops)

E-mail Exchange:

Gentel:
Hey beautiful haw r u haw is u day going on

I was tempted to type “Virrry wel, thunk u – Hawt STUF,” but I just couldn’t bare it. Next…

*

From what I can tell from his profile, the following “Gentleman” is 10 years my junior, and smaller than me…if any of his pics or details are real:

E-mail Exchange:

Junior:
hey how are you doing? i know its random, but have you ever taken a guys virginity before? i ask because i’m still a virgin and I would love to loose it with an older woman

Me:
Oh yeah – all the time. That’s exactly why I’m on this site.

Junior:
😦 ok

Me:
I’m sorry – what exactly would be an answer that you are looking for??

Junior:
I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t thinking much, sorry. I’m really not a bad guy though

Me:
All righty then.

Junior:
I would love to get to know you more

Me:
I’m sure you do. Maybe another “older woman” will swoon from that incredible introduction. I wish you well.

Junior:
😦 did I ever have a chance at getting to know you? Whatever I would write you probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk with me. I’m happy I at least got a response from you

Me:
That’s great! Take care.

And a miraculous thing happened. He didn’t send me a penis pic and left me alone. I know…I’m still shocked.

*

Profile: consists of one photo – a selfie – of my admirer looking off-webcam and extremely pissed off.

E-mail Exchange:

Angry Selfie:
You remind me of my exigirlfriend…

Me:
That’s a wonderful intro.

Angry Selfie:
Lol would you like to meet for a drink ?

Oh silly boy – maybe if you put in like 1% of effort, someone would agree to meet your angry face for a beverage.

*Spelling and grammatical choices have been preserved for authenticity