We are in the season of great fruits and vegetables, so I thought I’d share a favorite dating app message collected by a (very lucky!) friend from a truly creative suitor:
Yes, that introduction worked and the wedding is garden-themed.
As soon as I became familiar with the swiping feature of Tinder, I was hooked. It was not until several people in my life referred to the app as a “hook-up” tool that I started to realize that telling guys that I wanted to be in a relationship was just not the way Tinder worked. If you break the functionality of Tinder down, it’s essentially just online shopping for people – based solely on appearances, the way the Lord intended. Which is why it is really amusing to me that they have been embroiled in a lot of legal issues as of late.
Yep, Bumble is using Tinder’s “stolen trade secrets.” I’ve discussed Bumble before, but it is worth it to mention that yes, it is a carbon copy of Tinder. That doesn’t stop anyone from using it, though. The more swiping for hook-ups the better, no?
It’s fascinating that there are so many people fighting one another for substantial funds generated from an app that essentially made the dick pic an acceptable introduction to potential dates.
Don’t we have other issues to address as a society? My role models at Bravo don’t really think so, but they are not the majority.
Everyone just needs to chill out and… look for a hook-up on Tinder or something.
Give me swiping abilities or give me death!
If this text conversation gives you a headache, then join the club. These are screenshots from a “get to know you” introductory conversation my single friend had with another great person named Tommy. Is it an undocumented rule that all of us have to have at least one bad experience with someone of this name?! As if it is not completely obvious, her messages are in green (and make sense) and his are in gray, and are mostly misspelled.
Let’s repeat one of his best lines: “Why do girls feel the need to ask about a source of income i couldn’t tell ya.”
1. She literally asked “what he does” most likely to learn a bit about him, and what he spends his time doing.
2. She doesn’t represent all “girls” and what they “ask.”
3. Please note that his first question to her is if she has children or wants them – as though that is not personal or intrusive at all.
4. Why can’t he spell anything? Did he really win the lotto? Do all people who declare how much they earn per hour claim that their work is personal business?
5. Since when do people at law firms have “power”? Are we talking about super powers?
6. Why does he type “lol” so many times? Is it because he knows what the “opposite of a problem” is?
Net-net: It seems as though this conversation went south in about 5 minutes. After combing through it for context clues, I decided that “Tommy” has an obsession with Judge Judy and wishes he worked for her, at a real legal office, not one that he made up. He also wants to discuss fertility and reproduction, as his “safe” and “non-personal” topic.
Way to go, Tommy. Making the online dating game better with each misspelled and angry text.
Finding a good date. Finding a good job. Okay so they are both complete torture.
During the past year, I was searching for another full-time job, other than the one I had, but the extra special time came during the last 3 months where I was officially an unemployed, crap excuse for a human being (yes, it says so on my taxes) and I’m here to tell you that it is definitely worse than being single. HOWEVER – online dating and job searching are so similar – and in ways I would have never thought prior to this experience.
Self-representation on paper (online) and in-person are obviously sucky parts of both activities. No one likes to fill out the dreaded profiles / resumes / applications and conduct an endless search for perfection (unless she is a sadist), but that is a pleasure compared to other aspects of the process…
You feel crazy and stupid at all times. No matter what.
Whether it was the recruiter who called and e-mailed me about my application, but then never got back to me when I returned her call, or the potential manager who suggested we have a phone interview at a certain date and time and didn’t show up, I blamed myself. I must’ve misread text in black and white and actual messages saying that they wanted to talk to me, right?
Everyone ignores you.
Literally, all the time. They only called or e-mailed me with five minutes to spare about something highly important when I was in the shower, out socializing in a very loud place or even worse – waiting in a very quiet place, where phone use was prohibited. I also enjoyed showing up for two different, supposedly real-life interviews in which I was given the wrong floor or in one case, the completely wrong building to go to. Trying to be confident and focused (and not sweating profusely, in utter exhaustion / confusion) at that point is quite challenging.
Eye contact is probably worse than eye surgery.
And I’ve had both in the past year! And I’m mortified by eyeballs in general! Get jealous! And I’m not even referring to the job interviews where I was finally invited to enter the tangible office space to have a conversation with a real person. I’m referring to the modern Skype / Facetime / Google Hangout interview where I looked either too eager or completely insane at all times. I remember thinking that I wish I couldn’t see what I looked like while talking – it was horrifying. It’s like having to look at the face of a creepy guy who thought he was entertaining. Yuck.
You get judged.
And quite often you don’t know what you are getting judged for. It could be your crappy small talk about the weather, or the way you described your last meal was somehow offensive…WHO KNOWS? Not me. I definitely had that same kind of “WTF did I just say?” feeling during many blind dates, after either having someone laugh at me when I wasn’t trying to be funny or just nod along when I asked a question. Super comfortable.
People advise you to “enjoy the downtime” / “playing the field”
It’s like the people who have been married since they were toddlers explaining their plight of wanting to know what it feels like to be alone on a holiday…Ummm…I’m not going to enjoy being single and I’m not going to enjoy being unemployed. Unless I had zero desire to associate with other human beings while being independently wealthy and free to travel the world, I don’t see how that’s possible.
No follow-up, unless you have zero interest whatsoever.
I think that heading speaks for itself. Just a reminder that the people that I never wanted to interact with ever again in my life have always tried to stay in contact and “be friends.” This has included unbalanced stalkers, people with more time on their hands than I have (not sure how that’s possible) and people who think I have money to give them. It has never included a recruiter, headhunter or potential manager.
Have I covered the Bumble phenomenon on here? Maybe not, but I certainly have used it and oh boy!
Quick and dirty: Bumble is an online dating app that has been in existence for a few years now that basically promises “normal” women that they will have more control over their flirting experience. Developed by someone who knows the struggle is “real” for women (really? just women?), here is how the Bumble experience distinguishes itself:
At Bumble, women make the first move. In heterosexual matches, the woman has 24 hours to make the first move and the man has 24 hours to respond. In same-sex matches, either person has 24 hours to make the first move, while the other individual has 24 hours to respond, or else, the connection expires. By prompting our users to be bold and make the first move we’ve seen over 3 billion messages sent to date.
The first problem I had with these rules is that it doesn’t matter if I was able to start the texting conversation with the guy I paired myself up with. I would say that the majority of the guys I wrote to did not write back to me – I guess that’s what makes them normal? Some did write back and I had some uplifting conversations where one person ended up telling me that “I was no spring chicken” while another one freaked out a few days into our chat, and told me he still loved his ex and “couldn’t do this.”
Basically, I would just position Bumble as another outlet to search for the needle in the dating haystack of madness. It’s not any better or worse than anything else out there for flirting, or finding a mate that doesn’t insult you or have a virtual emotional breakdown. But, do I group dating sites and apps with professional “networking” sites and apps? Definitely not, so I was surprised to read that Bumble has expanded into the “bizz” arena.
Would I want to use the same mechanism to find a colleague that I would to find a boyfriend? Would I want to find out that my mate has been using a dating app to “network”? Would I feel any “safer” as a female looking to professionally network using Bumble Bizz and its location-based technology versus LinkedIn or at an actual conference or event?
NO. And I don’t understand why the marketing message is that there “is a shield built into Bumble.” Like a hardcore protective barrier? Also, why should women fear men and not the other way around? There are plenty of dangerous women out there who use all sorts of technology to prey upon others. This also makes me question same-sex flirting, networking and the “rules” for finding friends online, which Bumble also claims to do with “Bumble BFF” (really?!)
As any human being with the desire to connect with another human being, my advice would be to do what feels right, and not to depend on technology as a protective “shield” from negativity or danger.
Take a page out of my cousin’s latest suitor’s book. Pay additional cash to extend the chat window, get to know the other person for weeks and then when it comes to actually meet up and make things happen, just chicken out:
Here’s a game rule that someone needs to scream often: When you are planning your first date, DO NOT “play it by ear.”
With so many entertaining pieces of media dedicated to dating at large, it’s difficult to find some that are actually enjoyable. Which ones are worth talking about? Well, as POOL demonstrates, the answer is: “eh, not many.”
As it so happens, something else I am not so smitten with is my current employment. It is not stressful in any way. Quite the opposite actually. I have way too much time on my hands. Time that is often spent indulging in some entertainment like POOL.
So I spent a little over an hour the other day (clearly during work hours) watching the entire first season of POOL. That leads me to one of the positive qualities of this show. It’s short and you don’t need too much of an attention span to watch each 6 to 8 minute episode. They are basically short skits. I definitely give Mary Ashley and Chris Russell a ton of credit for their writing and acting. They also managed to get their creation distributed and available online. That’s a HUGE deal that even someone as low-on-the-totem-pole as myself understands. Huge props. Here’s the breakdown of the web series in my favorite brief and bulleted format:
Plot: It centers around three friends / roommates (two guys and a girl) who tell each other their dating stories.
What kept me watching:
– Excellent camera work and audio – like an expensively-produced show
– One of the male characters gives me an American Psycho vibe. I almost feel that he sees himself as Patrick Bateman. Disturbing, but the guy has good hair and a dominating personality.
– The more I watched, the more I cared about the characters. Even aforementioned American Psycho.
– Steph (played by Mary Ashley) finds a plot-related reason to show off her bare behind, more than once. That would be a win for anyone interested – as she does (generally speaking) have a very tight behind.
– Every time Steph has a date presented from a flashback, her two roommates are somehow in the scene as servers or employees of the date venue, which is pretty clever.
– Episode 5 features the best cat sweater of all time. While it is fashioned inside-out with no clear purpose, this might be the one solid reason you need to watch.
What caused me to lose interest and look at puppies on Instagram again:
– Most of the funny lines fall flat – I am not sure if it is because the dialogue is so ridiculous or there is no laugh-track. Maybe I still need encouragement to laugh at amusing parts of TV shows…so maybe that is just my own personal problem (one of the many).
– Why is everyone white? Not to bring up another racial argument, but the poor man’s Three’s Company inverse is not too realistic when you’re talking about New York City in this century.
– Way too many disgusting bodily function / human waste jokes. Like I didn’t have enough of those with every real-life roommate I’ve ever had.
Net-net: If you want some cheap laughs (and I do mean cheap – this stuff is FREE!), fill up an hour of your day with the entire first season.
If you made it through this entire post, you already have a bigger attention span than I do, so POOL will be easy to get through.