Tender Pressure of the Holiday Season

It’s been well over half of a year since I posted anything to this award-winning platform, and for that I feel like a let-down. I never meant to ghost any readers or quietly fade away. The lack of posts is due to the fact that I have run out of my own dating stories. Lame, I know. With that, I have been contemplating different directions to steer this ship o’ bitterness over the past several months and have yet to decide on anything.

I have, however, listened to multiple online dating stories from friends that would entertain the masses. Maybe in the coming year, I can relay them back to my readers in an organized way that everyone can enjoy.

In the meantime, I have found some really interesting posts on the interwebs that explain to the world just how connected the end of December holidays are with the act of people looking for companionship / attention. Let me know if any of these amazing works of genius have truly made a difference in your lives the way they have for mine (<sarcasm font).

Here we have some info from Men’s Fitness, geared toward the minds of those with peni…or so they think. As a non-man, my #1 takeaway from this post is that single men should go to any and all holiday parties they can find in order to meet women. “It’s not a great idea to try to hook up with someone at your own corporate holiday party,” the writer points out. No shit!? If someone honestly avoids getting drunk and hooking up with a co-worker because of this post, I want to speak to them. From what I remember of my 20s, it was full of experiences like this and while I remained single, no real harm was done.

It’s also written by a female, for males…so the suggestion to go to “tree lightings, pop-up ice skating rinks, and holiday festivals” makes a lot of delusional sense.

I’m not sure if any of the videos on this page actually work, but I really enjoy the grammatically incorrect and misspelled pushes from yet another female writer to stay physical in one’s relationship. She says to “Spend time together. Make out.. A touch on the check, shoulder, tush. With a tender pressure. When you kiss, let your foreheads touch afterwards, which is a tender moment. Get close.” I feel icky. Uggh.

For those who are single and not attending pop-up ice rinks or drunkenly hoping for a relationship with a co-worker, just keep in mind that this is the time of year that dating sites and apps go insane to get you hooked. I personally notice a lot more TV commercials and online ads for “finding someone special when it counts.” So if you feel like no one else is vying for your attention, at least Tinder and Match.com are. “Advertisers are doing whatever they can to gain visibility and organic installs.” In plain English, this means that these companies are experts at taking advantage of holiday loneliness.

Additionally…and most importantly: I also have the cutest dog on the face of the planet that I’ve already exploited in numerous places. Why not here?

axel-foley-rug-smiles

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Prince Charming Ain’t Here

This story is hilarious, and I’m glad the woman who experienced this was able to laugh about it. I’ve tried to find the exact words to tell clueless morons how ridiculous they are without looking like the proverbial “bitter single girl.” Never worked for me —

tinder

The things that people say behind the protection of an electronic screen, huh?

How about this amazing individual who took his introduction to my single female cousin as an invitation to make her a victim in a horror movie?

photoshopped skin dude

Are you still asking why online dating is not fun and a huge pain in the butt, as well as emotionally draining?!

Okay, fine – here’s another one that gave me a giggle. I sincerely hope it is real:

ex

More where that came from – stay tuned!

The Man Who Feared Tomatoes

Sean traveled to Manhattan from the middle of the New Jersey suburbs to meet me for our first blind date at a little Italian restaurant that I had chosen. And I know I say this about so many other people, but Sean really and truly was (and maybe still is?) a good guy. It was definitely me who kept him away after our second date.

I’m certainly no foodie, but I like to pretend I know what is going on in the cooking world and am friends with people like this guy who have helped me hone my superficial interest in dining.

During our first date, I vaguely remember suggesting several different appetizers for us to share – including mozzarella cheese, stuffed mushrooms, and possibly something seafood-related. He looked at me like I was crazy for each suggestion, and I believe we ended up sharing an order of fried calamari. His entree was a fairly simple pasta dish and he ate it very slowly. As he examined every morsel that went into his mouth, I started to ask him about food that he actually enjoys. I mentioned different types of cuisines to see if he would have any sort of positive reaction:

Me: Mexican? Tacos? Burritos?

Sean: (tongue sticks out, appalled) Oh man – definitely not.

Me: Any type of seafood, besides calamari?

Sean: Ew, gross!

Me: Burgers?

Sean: Yeah, that’s what I eat pretty much every day. But nothing on them.

Me: Not even condiments? Ketchup?

Sean: ABSOLUTELY NO KETCHUP – I hate it. And nothing else.

Me: So just a plain burger on a bun…do you like cheese?

Sean: Nope

Sean likes plain burgers, plain pasta and possibly some calamari (although I probably devoured that by myself).

At some point, he mentioned that he was a very simple “meat and potatoes kind of guy” so when he asked to see me again in Manhattan, I suggested Keens – a very well-known steakhouse that I had wanted to try for a long time. He seemed okay with Keens. He wasn’t over-the-moon like I was to be anywhere that was considered a classic. Yet he seemed content enough to order a steak. Like any nice meal, his steak had some random vegetables on it and I pointed out that the cherry tomatoes looked good. At that point, I think he was really trying to make me happy. He put the tiny tomato in his mouth and immediately spit it out. He was mortified. Flushed and tearing, shaking his head and sticking his tongue out, he glanced at me and I’m pretty sure I saw a little contempt in his eyes. I guess he wasn’t ready for a tomato.

Once I licked my plate clean of whatever I had been gratefully served, we exited the restaurant. Sean texted me later that night to let me know he had made it home (to the burbs) safely. I thanked him for a lovely time, and he said, “Yeah, I enjoyed it. But you made me eat a tomato.” It was like I committed murder and it was confusing to actually experience some guilt about something so ridiculously insignificant.

I have no idea why Sean asked me to hang out again. I had to turn him down. I love food too much for that sort of anxiety and trepidation to be repeated.

What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

Visual Temptation

I would like to take a second to thank some of you fine men out there for posting some truly attractive photos for us to judge and enjoy…

dbag profile 4

dbag profile 3

Dirty Ass…bigsausage76…you fellas are truly in a class all your own. The respect and heartwarming message you have given your viewers, with just a name and photo is uplifting and dare I say, sexy.

I also really enjoyed the following guy’s two photos extensively. The chair that doesn’t seem to live on a planet with gravitational pull that he casually sits on, with one bare foot in the air while tweaking his (assumed) expensive sunglasses is impressive. So is his torso placement on a dark couch while modeling what must be a power suit with spacious pockets. But check out that Tinder intro! Not only is he healthy and a Skype user, but he also “trades stock market”! Further, he’s “IN TO SEX.” Jackpot! The foot in the air, the modeling on odd furniture, the claim that my happiness is “his duty” (when he’s not foot / furniture modeling) and my sneaking suspicion that he is either a prostitute or looking for one really sets this guy apart for me. Please…take it all in and try to absorb the goodness:

dbag profile 2

dbag profile 1

Single Jewish People Need More Alternatives?

So I found this in my Twitter feed the other day:

http://time.com/70401/theres-now-a-wide-selection-of-tinder-alternatives-for-jewish-singles/

Not only am I disgusted that:

1. Someone actually took the time to write this for Time and got paid for it

2. An adorable dog was humiliated for the main photo

3. There are more overused Jewish puns in here than I have ever seen before

jewish dog

But the Jewish alternative for Tinder already exists. It’s called Coffee Meets Bagel*. It’s just as, if not even more ridiculous than this article.

*Okay so the Coffee Meets Bagel app is not specifically for Jewish people, but those are the only people who I have seen on there. It is basically the ugliest J-Date members on Facebook. If that’s your thing, then go for it!

Tales of the Tinder: “Tattle-tale”

I’m sure there is a plethora of people who have online dating profiles that are also in some sort of relationship, whether they are married, have a boyfriend / girlfriend or someone else basically thinks they are maintaining their business only for them. I’m sure of this because I have heard way too many stories of lovers gone astray via dating sites, but I have never witnessed it from inside of the dating pool myself…until Tinder. I can’t comment on females doing this (although I am sure it happens), but I can say that I have found at least a handful of men that I know in real life who are definitely not single on the app. Now…if I recognize these people as I sift through their Facebook profile photos, won’t other people be able to do the same?! For crying out loud – it is connected to one’s Facebook account! Do people want to be caught? I just don’t get it, and as I said in an earlier post, it still seems to be a fun kind of toy for people to play with. They can probably use a site for affairs, like Ashley Madison or something, but those sorts of things aren’t free. So now we are talking about CHEAP cheaters. My favorite!

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I actually saved an entire conversation with someone I had on Tinder who I recognized as a mutual friend from many years ago. The last I heard, he was married with a kid, but seeing him on the app made me think that his status had changed. But no. Being completely candid – I will say that I only realized about halfway through our discussion, that his photo (from his Facebook profile of course) is with his wife. A few days after this conversation, I noticed that he had changed his Facebook picture to just one of himself, alone. Interesting.

Without further adeau, a Tinder transcript between the “happily married” man (henceforth, referred to as “HMM”) and I:

HMM: Hey
ME: Hey. You recognize me, right?
HMM: Yeah lol
HMM: What r u doing on here? Lol
ME: Haha – just making sure. We know basically all of the same people. I thought you were married 🙂
HMM: I am married.
HMM: Lol
HMM: R u a tatle tale
ME: So what are you doing on here?!?
HMM: Just passing the time
HMM: I don’t get involved
ME: I’m not a tattle tale. I’m single.
HMM: I know
ME: So that’s why I’m here.
HMM: So this is really for single ppl to hook up right?
HMM: Right, I just wanted to see what all the fuss what about
HMM: I’m happily married
HMM: 🙂
HMM: Any cool guys on here or are they all freaks? Lol
ME: Hmmm ok. I’ve met some decent ones and I’m certainly not looking for random hook-ups. I can typically sniff out the freaks.
HMM: Haha
HMM: Yeah
HMM: Good for you
HMM: That’s cool*
HMM: I literally just downloaded this with my single coworker sitting next to me right now
HMM: Lol
HMM: But I can see this getting me into trouble!!!!
HMM: Not my thing!
HMM: How r u anyways?
HMM: Loooooong time
ME: I’m good. I can see how it can be interesting.
HMM: So let me ask you something?
HMM: Just between us?
ME: Ok.
HMM: Promise?
ME: Ok.
HMM: Why did you click on me? Lol
ME: I thought maybe you were single if you were on here. Lots of people get married and then divorced.
HMM: Right
HMM: Ok
HMM: Lol
HMM: Good luck
HMM: 🙂

And then I blocked him.

Let’s all hope that he was being sincere by telling me he was using a dating / “hook-up” app to pass the work day, shall we?

*Sadly, I missed taking a screenshot of the piece of the conversation where he tells me I look great and that I should have no problem finding someone. You know – ‘cause I’m on the app for ego stroking from a married man.