To POOL or not to POOL

With so many entertaining pieces of media dedicated to dating at large, it’s difficult to find some that are actually enjoyable. Which ones are worth talking about? Well, as POOL demonstrates, the answer is: “eh, not many.”

As it so happens, something else I am not so smitten with is my current employment. It is not stressful in any way. Quite the opposite actually. I have way too much time on my hands. Time that is often spent indulging in some entertainment like POOL.

So I spent a little over an hour the other day (clearly during work hours) watching the entire first season of POOL. That leads me to one of the positive qualities of this show. It’s short and you don’t need too much of an attention span to watch each 6 to 8 minute episode. They are basically short skits. I definitely give Mary Ashley and Chris Russell a ton of credit for their writing and acting. They also managed to get their creation distributed and available online. That’s a HUGE deal that even someone as low-on-the-totem-pole as myself understands. Huge props. Here’s the breakdown of the web series in my favorite brief and bulleted format:

Plot: It centers around three friends / roommates (two guys and a girl) who tell each other their dating stories.

What kept me watching:

– Excellent camera work and audio – like an expensively-produced show

– One of the male characters gives me an American Psycho vibe. I almost feel that he sees himself as Patrick Bateman. Disturbing, but the guy has good hair and a dominating personality.

– The more I watched, the more I cared about the characters. Even aforementioned American Psycho.

– Steph (played by Mary Ashley) finds a plot-related reason to show off her bare behind, more than once. That would be a win for anyone interested – as she does (generally speaking) have a very tight behind.

– Every time Steph has a date presented from a flashback, her two roommates are somehow in the scene as servers or employees of the date venue, which is pretty clever.

– Episode 5 features the best cat sweater of all time. While it is fashioned inside-out with no clear purpose, this might be the one solid reason you need to watch.

What caused me to lose interest and look at puppies on Instagram again:

– Most of the funny lines fall flat – I am not sure if it is because the dialogue is so ridiculous or there is no laugh-track. Maybe I still need encouragement to laugh at amusing parts of TV shows…so maybe that is just my own personal problem (one of the many).

– Why is everyone white? Not to bring up another racial argument, but the poor man’s Three’s Company inverse is not too realistic when you’re talking about New York City in this century.

– Way too many disgusting bodily function / human waste jokes. Like I didn’t have enough of those with every real-life roommate I’ve ever had.

Net-net: If you want some cheap laughs (and I do mean cheap – this stuff is FREE!), fill up an hour of your day with the entire first season.

If you made it through this entire post, you already have a bigger attention span than I do, so POOL will be easy to get through.

Tender Pressure of the Holiday Season

It’s been well over half of a year since I posted anything to this award-winning platform, and for that I feel like a let-down. I never meant to ghost any readers or quietly fade away. The lack of posts is due to the fact that I have run out of my own dating stories. Lame, I know. With that, I have been contemplating different directions to steer this ship o’ bitterness over the past several months and have yet to decide on anything.

I have, however, listened to multiple online dating stories from friends that would entertain the masses. Maybe in the coming year, I can relay them back to my readers in an organized way that everyone can enjoy.

In the meantime, I have found some really interesting posts on the interwebs that explain to the world just how connected the end of December holidays are with the act of people looking for companionship / attention. Let me know if any of these amazing works of genius have truly made a difference in your lives the way they have for mine (<sarcasm font).

Here we have some info from Men’s Fitness, geared toward the minds of those with peni…or so they think. As a non-man, my #1 takeaway from this post is that single men should go to any and all holiday parties they can find in order to meet women. “It’s not a great idea to try to hook up with someone at your own corporate holiday party,” the writer points out. No shit!? If someone honestly avoids getting drunk and hooking up with a co-worker because of this post, I want to speak to them. From what I remember of my 20s, it was full of experiences like this and while I remained single, no real harm was done.

It’s also written by a female, for males…so the suggestion to go to “tree lightings, pop-up ice skating rinks, and holiday festivals” makes a lot of delusional sense.

I’m not sure if any of the videos on this page actually work, but I really enjoy the grammatically incorrect and misspelled pushes from yet another female writer to stay physical in one’s relationship. She says to “Spend time together. Make out.. A touch on the check, shoulder, tush. With a tender pressure. When you kiss, let your foreheads touch afterwards, which is a tender moment. Get close.” I feel icky. Uggh.

For those who are single and not attending pop-up ice rinks or drunkenly hoping for a relationship with a co-worker, just keep in mind that this is the time of year that dating sites and apps go insane to get you hooked. I personally notice a lot more TV commercials and online ads for “finding someone special when it counts.” So if you feel like no one else is vying for your attention, at least Tinder and Match.com are. “Advertisers are doing whatever they can to gain visibility and organic installs.” In plain English, this means that these companies are experts at taking advantage of holiday loneliness.

Additionally…and most importantly: I also have the cutest dog on the face of the planet that I’ve already exploited in numerous places. Why not here?

axel-foley-rug-smiles

What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

Conversations With My Cousin: Magnetism for the Maniac

There are many times when I wonder if it is just me…am I the only one receiving the weirdest messages from the most disturbed individuals on the Internet? Or am I the one that is too critical and not giving the right people a chance?

Then I hear from my cousin and somehow everything equalizes. A very smart and beautiful female of a similar age who works full-time, living in a different region* of the U.S., she often finds some real winners as well. Here are some that she has shared with me, instead of deleting immediately and setting her profile, phone and computer on fire, which is typically my first instinct:

looklikeyourdadmatch

What would they chat about? His own personal daddy issues?

falloutofheavenmatch

And then…what? She vomits?

ifyouwereafruit

WTF???

Maybe it is in our blood…some sort of pull that we have on the crazy. Here’s a recent text exchange we had:

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* This post is dedicated to the people who tell me how my dating issues would be solved if I left New York. Uh huh.

Food Networking > Online Dating

Combing through the terrifying history of the dates that I have had, one theme that has come up several times is my love of food and restaurants. Namely: food and restaurants related to celebrity chefs. I use the word “celebrity” to mean that I have heard of or seen this chef on the Food Network at least a few times and get really starstruck if I see them in person.

My fake underwear
http://www.cafepress.com/+i_love_my_chef_boyfriend_womens_boy_brief,610520602

I think the beginning of my Food Network interest was on a not-so-blind date with someone I was actually interested in several years ago. This person happened to be interested in working in the restaurant industry and shared my budding appreciation for all things Food Network. So you can imagine both of our squealing delight when Mario Batali walked into the bar we were sitting in. With a combination of sheer curiosity, the desire to recount this story hundreds of times in the future and the need to look cool in front of my date, I approached Mario. Let it be known that these were still the days where one can smoke cigarettes inside bars. Mario was participating, with a cigarette in one hand, drink in another and the proverbial layer of perspiration on his ginger brow.

Sexy Batali
http://www.bowlfamilyvacation.com/2014/03/21/mario-batalis-favorite-eats-mi/

“Hi Mario. I just wanted to tell you I watch your show every day and I’m a big fan,” I stated as soon as I approached him (I do believe he was wearing his trademark orange shoes as well) and his friend.

Mario’s response seemed sincere, “Oh, do you cook as well?” he asked.

“No,” I admitted with a sheepish grin, “I just like watching you.” Okay, in retrospect, I sounded like a complete stalker…but it was successful.

Mario then glances at his friend, puts his thick arm around my neck and lays a giant, moist kiss right in the middle of my forehead. Then he says, “You are the perfect woman.”

My date witnessed all of this but obviously didn’t agree with Mario’s assessment, because things between us didn’t last for long after that night.

Fast-forward a few years later…I happened to be at the same bar on a truly blind date with a man that I had met online. We were talking to each other in the outside seating area, which was fantastic since my date was not very entertaining. There wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with him but the most memorable part of our conversation was when he recounted the time he got the “opportunity” to be an extra in the “Miami Vice” movie, minute by minute. I’m pretty sure it took him about an hour to tell me every detail down to his thoughts about pursuing acting afterwards (Seriously? He played one of hundreds of dudes at a dance club in the opening scene) to Colin Farrell’s smoking habits on set. In between all of that, a glimmer of hope and beauty passed us by that made my entire year. Eric Ripert – one of the most famous chefs (not necessarily on the Food Network – but friends with many of those personalities and a feature of many, MANY foodie conversations) was walking by. And he was by himself! I don’t even think my date noticed that my jaw was on the floor as I stared to his immediate left for a good 60 seconds and started shaking. I was pretty surprised that such a well-known entity in the culinary world was navigating the streets all alone and that I was actually witnessing it. I told my date, who basically had no interest in what I was saying and continued to describe his fantasy of being the next Sonny Crockett…or whatever he was talking about. I should have ran up to Mr. Ripert and never looked back.

Eric Ripert hotness
https://quarrylanefarms.wordpress.com/tag/richard-blaise/

And a similar experience happened last summer, on yet another online date with someone else who claimed to be heavily involved in the culinary world. So how in the world could he not recognize Maneet Chauhan?! Truth be told, I could not remember her name and had to spend a few minutes literally right after first meeting my date to figure out the famous Food Network “Chopped” judge and restauranteur’s identity – but I knew that I knew her! I watched her closely in the bar area of the restaurant where we were seated, waiting to see or hear her complain about the “cloying sweetness” or “lack of spice mixture” in one of her appetizers, like she does on TV all the time. Oh yeah – and my date was there too, but that obviously didn’t work out.

Maneet - doing what she does best on "Chopped"
http://www.maneetchauhan.com/choppedphoto.html

I think my true calling is to be an agent for a famous chef, don’t you? Being in the same vicinity with a culinary celebrity is more thrilling for me than any dating scenario, which is very telling. Even as I document these experiences, I watch “The Kitchen” and hope to catch a real-life glimpse of Geoffrey Zakarian’s fabulous hipster glasses.

Geoffrey Zakarian pops his collar
::SWOON:: Look at that hot chef popped collar!
http://den.bigleo.com/2014/02/geoffrey-zakarians-next-big-move/

What Planet Do You Live On?

Look at the incredible way that Marilyn Manson Junior has introduced himself into my heart!

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And I was excited to see that this gentleman is so free with his bodily functions that he uses a photo to demonstrate that on Tinder:

photo

But then I considered going out with him:

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(I’m not even sure what his message said – I was laughing too hard at his main photo).

But most importantly, do you guys think I should take advantage of this offer?

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We can “even get coffee”!! Jackpot.