Patti Stanger is my idol

Being single when you truly don’t want to be is not fun. I don’t care what any “expert” says about the excitement or the possibilities of it. It’s traumatizing – especially if you are going the online route.

For those of you who don’t know who Patti Stanger is, I encourage you to look up her bio and even partake in some of the older episodes of her earth-shattering TV show, “Millionaire Matchmaker.” It’s no longer on the air, and she has since developed a remixed version of the original show on a new network. The older ones are the gems though. That show is where I learned such valuable lessons about dating that have stuck with me for life, including: men aren’t attracted to women with red and / or curly hair; men aren’t attracted to women who don’t wear the correct high heels; the very well-researched, poignant notion that “the penis does the picking.”

Patti also continues to share her wisdom on several different marketing channels, including her own helpful blog, with a title that I have found myself repeating internally for years: Patti Knows.

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/tv-exec-tough-love-advice-matchmaker-article-1.2697289

One post that I found encourages women to go on dates that they know will be bad. “I know this advice sounds weird, but trust me, it works. Go on a few dates you think will be bad and I guarantee you’ll get something valuable out them.” I almost understand the logic shtick behind this sentiment, that you never know what you will find by putting yourself “out there” and one should be open-minded. Yet, I think that free spirit should have a cautionary footnote and an expiration date. I would then point at any of the posts that I have documented on this blog throughout the past several years as supporting evidence. And some other profiles recently discovered out there in the exciting world of dating apps:

He’s a caring and thoughtful Dom. With friendly photos!

Here’s my bare chest – or someone else’s bare chest. Anyway, wanna be my side piece?

Remember… Patti Knows*

http://www.manbehindthedoll.com/dreamdate.htm

*What exactly does she know?!?

Shmalentine’s Day: You’ll Get Through It

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! Whether you are actually getting some fun attention today or want to scratch everyone’s eyeballs out, I just want you to know that you will get through it.

I once dated a guy I met on the magical land that is okcupid from late December until the beginning of February. He conveniently ended things with me over the phone by telling me he had met someone else who was 10 years younger than me, with whom he had a major connection. “It’s not fair to her to keep things going with you,” he told me. I was at my hair salon in the middle of getting my highlights done while he shared this amazing news with me. Running away in tears from the salon chair to the bathroom in a robe and foils all over my head was one of the less graceful moments of my life. “Not a big deal,” you say? “What does it have to do with Valentine’s Day?” you might ask. The same guy did have the wherewithal to hang out with me long enough to pass his strep throat along. So after I got my highlights perfected, I was able to go on antibiotics and lay in bed on Valentine’s Day while he swept his new young love off her feet.

There was another Valentine’s Day that I had been looking forward to for months several years before strep boy. I was actually in a relationship and couldn’t wait to go out for dinner and give each other cute gifts. I had only waited my entire life to experience that. You can imagine my excitement when I want back to my boyfriend’s apartment after dinner so he can give me my gift. We were sitting down and the next thing I knew, there was a Maglite on my lap. I looked up and heard the words, “you said you didn’t have a flashlight.” Well, he was right…and I still have that same sturdy flashlight to this day, thoughtful as it was.

Those are two mere examples of some great personal Valentine history. Stay strong, my fellow not-so-smitteners.

I promise you, it can always be worse.

Tender Pressure of the Holiday Season

It’s been well over half of a year since I posted anything to this award-winning platform, and for that I feel like a let-down. I never meant to ghost any readers or quietly fade away. The lack of posts is due to the fact that I have run out of my own dating stories. Lame, I know. With that, I have been contemplating different directions to steer this ship o’ bitterness over the past several months and have yet to decide on anything.

I have, however, listened to multiple online dating stories from friends that would entertain the masses. Maybe in the coming year, I can relay them back to my readers in an organized way that everyone can enjoy.

In the meantime, I have found some really interesting posts on the interwebs that explain to the world just how connected the end of December holidays are with the act of people looking for companionship / attention. Let me know if any of these amazing works of genius have truly made a difference in your lives the way they have for mine (<sarcasm font).

Here we have some info from Men’s Fitness, geared toward the minds of those with peni…or so they think. As a non-man, my #1 takeaway from this post is that single men should go to any and all holiday parties they can find in order to meet women. “It’s not a great idea to try to hook up with someone at your own corporate holiday party,” the writer points out. No shit!? If someone honestly avoids getting drunk and hooking up with a co-worker because of this post, I want to speak to them. From what I remember of my 20s, it was full of experiences like this and while I remained single, no real harm was done.

It’s also written by a female, for males…so the suggestion to go to “tree lightings, pop-up ice skating rinks, and holiday festivals” makes a lot of delusional sense.

I’m not sure if any of the videos on this page actually work, but I really enjoy the grammatically incorrect and misspelled pushes from yet another female writer to stay physical in one’s relationship. She says to “Spend time together. Make out.. A touch on the check, shoulder, tush. With a tender pressure. When you kiss, let your foreheads touch afterwards, which is a tender moment. Get close.” I feel icky. Uggh.

For those who are single and not attending pop-up ice rinks or drunkenly hoping for a relationship with a co-worker, just keep in mind that this is the time of year that dating sites and apps go insane to get you hooked. I personally notice a lot more TV commercials and online ads for “finding someone special when it counts.” So if you feel like no one else is vying for your attention, at least Tinder and Match.com are. “Advertisers are doing whatever they can to gain visibility and organic installs.” In plain English, this means that these companies are experts at taking advantage of holiday loneliness.

Additionally…and most importantly: I also have the cutest dog on the face of the planet that I’ve already exploited in numerous places. Why not here?

axel-foley-rug-smiles

Prince Charming Ain’t Here

This story is hilarious, and I’m glad the woman who experienced this was able to laugh about it. I’ve tried to find the exact words to tell clueless morons how ridiculous they are without looking like the proverbial “bitter single girl.” Never worked for me —

tinder

The things that people say behind the protection of an electronic screen, huh?

How about this amazing individual who took his introduction to my single female cousin as an invitation to make her a victim in a horror movie?

photoshopped skin dude

Are you still asking why online dating is not fun and a huge pain in the butt, as well as emotionally draining?!

Okay, fine – here’s another one that gave me a giggle. I sincerely hope it is real:

ex

More where that came from – stay tuned!

What Planet do you Live On? Part 4 – Interesting Ways of Reaching Out

As you know, I often skip around the timelines of my illustrious dating life to talk about some of my experiences when I feel most capable of explaining every detail. Lately, I’ve been in a deep funk of frustration and it seems that no one on the other end of my Wifi can figure out how to keep a conversation going…if they are capable of even starting one. It has come to the point that when someone messages me and says, “What kind of dog do you have?” as their introduction, my go-to answer is now “Oh, he’s a Go f*ck yourself… EVER HEAR OF THAT breed!!!??” I know…it’s mean…but look what I have to deal with:

Check out this sultry intro:

LARRY
Everyone say “hi” to Larry and take comfort in the fact that my snarky responses are not just on this blog.

Then there’s…Mister Mr. Oh, you did read that correctly. I enjoyed this guy’s inflated ego almost as much as his screen name. Unfortunately, I think the irony goes unnoticed by him. It also pains me to think that he had to steal jokes from everyone under the sun to put together his uninspired bio:

mistermr profile

The hot dog reference is from one of the best scenes of “Father of the Bride” and needs to remain there. He also messed up the numbers of hot dogs and buns in the joke, but I’m not really surprised about that. I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when a crappy cover band performs one of your favorite songs of all time and does it horribly. Don’t mess with classic feature film comedy, dude.

So, as I was thinking fondly about the actual movie (“Who’s George Banks?!?”), Mister Mr noticed that I checked out said bio and sent me this “message”:

mrmister

Oh yeah…totally making it happen. I don’t know how he’d fit me into his busy schedule of “having sex” and “finding Waldo.” I bet he does make it happen with some women who think he’s a charming, direct New Yorker, and those women have even less of a clue than I do. That’s why I don’t feel guilty about telling you he’s a comedic thief.

I hope you, my fair readers, at least remember the amazing 80s band by an almost identical name: Mr. Mister. They created this work of genius:

“Broken Wings” stuck in your head now? Good, it is a classic. You are welcome.

What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

Conversations With My Cousin: Magnetism for the Maniac

There are many times when I wonder if it is just me…am I the only one receiving the weirdest messages from the most disturbed individuals on the Internet? Or am I the one that is too critical and not giving the right people a chance?

Then I hear from my cousin and somehow everything equalizes. A very smart and beautiful female of a similar age who works full-time, living in a different region* of the U.S., she often finds some real winners as well. Here are some that she has shared with me, instead of deleting immediately and setting her profile, phone and computer on fire, which is typically my first instinct:

looklikeyourdadmatch

What would they chat about? His own personal daddy issues?

falloutofheavenmatch

And then…what? She vomits?

ifyouwereafruit

WTF???

Maybe it is in our blood…some sort of pull that we have on the crazy. Here’s a recent text exchange we had:

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* This post is dedicated to the people who tell me how my dating issues would be solved if I left New York. Uh huh.