single female

Online Dating in the Time of Covid

My apologies for the lame title. I can barely stomach hearing or saying anything virus-related at this point in staying at home life. As a city creature through and through, I never thought I would have an emotional tie to daily interactions with often stinky, definitely angry and positively crazy people during regular commutes to and from different urban destinations. Over the past several weeks, I have realized that it’s those daily interactions that make me who I am. The ability to go places is a close second. (I often envision myself in normal life again, possibly lacking the ability to function in shoes) —

I wonder how online dating looks during these times. If people are truly following the rules, it seems to me that entire relationships only exist in the digital universe. One would have to depend on their phone and laptop even more than normal (is that even a possibility?)

A few tales of the past have come to mind. Here are some, in my favorite short and bulleted format:

1. A single female friend of mine spent a week or two talking to a guy that she was thinking of dating. They set up a casual date so they could meet in person. On the day of their meeting, the guy texted my friend to tell her that he is pan-sexual. Thinking that means that he is attracted to bread products, she was thrilled. He then explained that he can be attracted to anyone of any background, gender or sexuality. My friend canceled their date and to this day, I still wonder what would’ve happened had he not shared the pan info (“spilled the tea” perhaps?) beforehand.

2. I once went on a date with a doctor, assuming he was intelligent and had a clue about others. He seemed great in emails and texts. As it turned out, good ol’ doc discussed the bar fights he got into when he was in college for the entire duration of our date. The only time he didn’t get nostalgic about brawls was when he was asking me what sangria is.

3. Remember the Man who feared tomatoes ? If not, please refresh yourself. When I met him for the second time in person, he was waiting outside of the restaurant (where he was scared of what they served) for me, and I spotted him from about a half mile away. And he was smoking a cigarette. That would have been fine, except for the fact that he claimed to be a non-smoker on his dating profile and said nothing of the sort when we had first met. Also, once he saw me approach him from the street, the cigarette went flying out of his mouth, as though he didn’t mean to have it there. Cigarette smoke lingers on the breath and skin for decades, so I really don’t know what he was trying to hide, outside of his food aversions.

I guess I’m just wondering if people are more disillusioned by potential partners during a time when you are not meeting in person. Do illogical choices come through even stronger during uncertain dating times?

Please let me know. I will be at home, searching for the ability to walk in shoes.

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Oh lord, give us strength…Facebook Is Testing Its Dating Service

It’s official. Facebook is now getting into online dating.

This is kind of weird to me, considering that every dating app I know about cuts right into your Facebook information as it is. Oh, but wait:

“You won’t see anyone you’re already friends with on Facebook, nor will you see people you’ve blocked.”

I want guaranteed proof that this will not happen. I feel like most apps have prevented me with people I never ever ever want to see again, let alone talk to or date – so this is quite an advantage.

Hmmm — “By utilizing the trove of data it already has about users, Facebook has the ability to become a powerful player in the online dating space.”

Didn’t they just get breached? Like really, really screwed? Is this really the time for “going steady” with dating?

It just rolled out in Colombia, and I’m praying for all of those who use it.

The Dateline episode is already being developed in my mind.

Keith Leans on Things (appropriately a Facebook page)

Bumble Bizz – The Networking Condom for Women

Have I covered the Bumble phenomenon on here? Maybe not, but I certainly have used it and oh boy!

Quick and dirty: Bumble is an online dating app that has been in existence for a few years now that basically promises “normal” women that they will have more control over their flirting experience. Developed by someone who knows the struggle is “real” for women (really? just women?), here is how the Bumble experience distinguishes itself:

At Bumble, women make the first move. In heterosexual matches, the woman has 24 hours to make the first move and the man has 24 hours to respond. In same-sex matches, either person has 24 hours to make the first move, while the other individual has 24 hours to respond, or else, the connection expires. By prompting our users to be bold and make the first move we’ve seen over 3 billion messages sent to date.

The first problem I had with these rules is that it doesn’t matter if I was able to start the texting conversation with the guy I paired myself up with. I would say that the majority of the guys I wrote to did not write back to me – I guess that’s what makes them normal? Some did write back and I had some uplifting conversations where one person ended up telling me that “I was no spring chicken” while another one freaked out a few days into our chat, and told me he still loved his ex and “couldn’t do this.”


https://www.amazon.com/Rubies-Bumble-Bee-Costume-Large/dp/B001R03F4K

Basically, I would just position Bumble as another outlet to search for the needle in the dating haystack of madness. It’s not any better or worse than anything else out there for flirting, or finding a mate that doesn’t insult you or have a virtual emotional breakdown. But, do I group dating sites and apps with professional “networking” sites and apps? Definitely not, so I was surprised to read that Bumble has expanded into the “bizz” arena.

“According to CEO and founder Whitney Wolfe Herd, a safe space is needed for women who are career networking, just as it is necessary for dating.”

Would I want to use the same mechanism to find a colleague that I would to find a boyfriend? Would I want to find out that my mate has been using a dating app to “network”? Would I feel any “safer” as a female looking to professionally network using Bumble Bizz and its location-based technology versus LinkedIn or at an actual conference or event?


http://theupstart.co/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/peek

NO. And I don’t understand why the marketing message is that there “is a shield built into Bumble.” Like a hardcore protective barrier? Also, why should women fear men and not the other way around? There are plenty of dangerous women out there who use all sorts of technology to prey upon others. This also makes me question same-sex flirting, networking and the “rules” for finding friends online, which Bumble also claims to do with “Bumble BFF” (really?!)

As any human being with the desire to connect with another human being, my advice would be to do what feels right, and not to depend on technology as a protective “shield” from negativity or danger.

Take a page out of my cousin’s latest suitor’s book. Pay additional cash to extend the chat window, get to know the other person for weeks and then when it comes to actually meet up and make things happen, just chicken out:

Here’s a game rule that someone needs to scream often: When you are planning your first date, DO NOT “play it by ear.”

Patti Stanger is my idol

Being single when you truly don’t want to be is not fun. I don’t care what any “expert” says about the excitement or the possibilities of it. It’s traumatizing – especially if you are going the online route.

For those of you who don’t know who Patti Stanger is, I encourage you to look up her bio and even partake in some of the older episodes of her earth-shattering TV show, “Millionaire Matchmaker.” It’s no longer on the air, and she has since developed a remixed version of the original show on a new network. The older ones are the gems though. That show is where I learned such valuable lessons about dating that have stuck with me for life, including: men aren’t attracted to women with red and / or curly hair; men aren’t attracted to women who don’t wear the correct high heels; the very well-researched, poignant notion that “the penis does the picking.”

Patti also continues to share her wisdom on several different marketing channels, including her own helpful blog, with a title that I have found myself repeating internally for years: Patti Knows.

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/tv-exec-tough-love-advice-matchmaker-article-1.2697289

One post that I found encourages women to go on dates that they know will be bad. “I know this advice sounds weird, but trust me, it works. Go on a few dates you think will be bad and I guarantee you’ll get something valuable out them.” I almost understand the logic shtick behind this sentiment, that you never know what you will find by putting yourself “out there” and one should be open-minded. Yet, I think that free spirit should have a cautionary footnote and an expiration date. I would then point at any of the posts that I have documented on this blog throughout the past several years as supporting evidence. And some other profiles recently discovered out there in the exciting world of dating apps:

He’s a caring and thoughtful Dom. With friendly photos!

Here’s my bare chest – or someone else’s bare chest. Anyway, wanna be my side piece?

Remember… Patti Knows*

http://www.manbehindthedoll.com/dreamdate.htm

*What exactly does she know?!?

Shmalentine’s Day: You’ll Get Through It

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! Whether you are actually getting some fun attention today or want to scratch everyone’s eyeballs out, I just want you to know that you will get through it.

I once dated a guy I met on the magical land that is okcupid from late December until the beginning of February. He conveniently ended things with me over the phone by telling me he had met someone else who was 10 years younger than me, with whom he had a major connection. “It’s not fair to her to keep things going with you,” he told me. I was at my hair salon in the middle of getting my highlights done while he shared this amazing news with me. Running away in tears from the salon chair to the bathroom in a robe and foils all over my head was one of the less graceful moments of my life. “Not a big deal,” you say? “What does it have to do with Valentine’s Day?” you might ask. The same guy did have the wherewithal to hang out with me long enough to pass his strep throat along. So after I got my highlights perfected, I was able to go on antibiotics and lay in bed on Valentine’s Day while he swept his new young love off her feet.

There was another Valentine’s Day that I had been looking forward to for months several years before strep boy. I was actually in a relationship and couldn’t wait to go out for dinner and give each other cute gifts. I had only waited my entire life to experience that. You can imagine my excitement when I went back to my boyfriend’s apartment after dinner so he can give me my gift. We were sitting down and the next thing I knew, there was a Maglite on my lap. I looked up and heard the words, “you said you didn’t have a flashlight.” Well, he was right…and I still have that same sturdy flashlight to this day, thoughtful as it was.

Those are two mere examples of some great personal Valentine history. Stay strong, my fellow not-so-smitteners.

I promise you, it can always be worse.

Tender Pressure of the Holiday Season

It’s been well over half of a year since I posted anything to this award-winning platform, and for that I feel like a let-down. I never meant to ghost any readers or quietly fade away. The lack of posts is due to the fact that I have run out of my own dating stories. Lame, I know. With that, I have been contemplating different directions to steer this ship o’ bitterness over the past several months and have yet to decide on anything.

I have, however, listened to multiple online dating stories from friends that would entertain the masses. Maybe in the coming year, I can relay them back to my readers in an organized way that everyone can enjoy.

In the meantime, I have found some really interesting posts on the interwebs that explain to the world just how connected the end of December holidays are with the act of people looking for companionship / attention. Let me know if any of these amazing works of genius have truly made a difference in your lives the way they have for mine (<sarcasm font).

Here we have some info from Men’s Fitness, geared toward the minds of those with peni…or so they think. As a non-man, my #1 takeaway from this post is that single men should go to any and all holiday parties they can find in order to meet women. “It’s not a great idea to try to hook up with someone at your own corporate holiday party,” the writer points out. No shit!? If someone honestly avoids getting drunk and hooking up with a co-worker because of this post, I want to speak to them. From what I remember of my 20s, it was full of experiences like this and while I remained single, no real harm was done.

It’s also written by a female, for males…so the suggestion to go to “tree lightings, pop-up ice skating rinks, and holiday festivals” makes a lot of delusional sense.

I’m not sure if any of the videos on this page actually work, but I really enjoy the grammatically incorrect and misspelled pushes from yet another female writer to stay physical in one’s relationship. She says to “Spend time together. Make out.. A touch on the check, shoulder, tush. With a tender pressure. When you kiss, let your foreheads touch afterwards, which is a tender moment. Get close.” I feel icky. Uggh.

For those who are single and not attending pop-up ice rinks or drunkenly hoping for a relationship with a co-worker, just keep in mind that this is the time of year that dating sites and apps go insane to get you hooked. I personally notice a lot more TV commercials and online ads for “finding someone special when it counts.” So if you feel like no one else is vying for your attention, at least Tinder and Match.com are. “Advertisers are doing whatever they can to gain visibility and organic installs.” In plain English, this means that these companies are experts at taking advantage of holiday loneliness.

Additionally…and most importantly: I also have the cutest dog on the face of the planet that I’ve already exploited in numerous places. Why not here?

axel-foley-rug-smiles

The Man Who Feared Tomatoes

Sean traveled to Manhattan from the middle of the New Jersey suburbs to meet me for our first blind date at a little Italian restaurant that I had chosen. And I know I say this about so many other people, but Sean really and truly was (and maybe still is?) a good guy. It was definitely me who kept him away after our second date.

I’m certainly no foodie, but I like to pretend I know what is going on in the cooking world and am friends with people like this guy who have helped me hone my superficial interest in dining.

During our first date, I vaguely remember suggesting several different appetizers for us to share – including mozzarella cheese, stuffed mushrooms, and possibly something seafood-related. He looked at me like I was crazy for each suggestion, and I believe we ended up sharing an order of fried calamari. His entree was a fairly simple pasta dish and he ate it very slowly. As he examined every morsel that went into his mouth, I started to ask him about food that he actually enjoys. I mentioned different types of cuisines to see if he would have any sort of positive reaction:

Me: Mexican? Tacos? Burritos?

Sean: (tongue sticks out, appalled) Oh man – definitely not.

Me: Any type of seafood, besides calamari?

Sean: Ew, gross!

Me: Burgers?

Sean: Yeah, that’s what I eat pretty much every day. But nothing on them.

Me: Not even condiments? Ketchup?

Sean: ABSOLUTELY NO KETCHUP – I hate it. And nothing else.

Me: So just a plain burger on a bun…do you like cheese?

Sean: Nope

Sean likes plain burgers, plain pasta and possibly some calamari (although I probably devoured that by myself).

At some point, he mentioned that he was a very simple “meat and potatoes kind of guy” so when he asked to see me again in Manhattan, I suggested Keens – a very well-known steakhouse that I had wanted to try for a long time. He seemed okay with Keens. He wasn’t over-the-moon like I was to be anywhere that was considered a classic. Yet he seemed content enough to order a steak. Like any nice meal, his steak had some random vegetables on it and I pointed out that the cherry tomatoes looked good. At that point, I think he was really trying to make me happy. He put the tiny tomato in his mouth and immediately spit it out. He was mortified. Flushed and tearing, shaking his head and sticking his tongue out, he glanced at me and I’m pretty sure I saw a little contempt in his eyes. I guess he wasn’t ready for a tomato.

Once I licked my plate clean of whatever I had been gratefully served, we exited the restaurant. Sean texted me later that night to let me know he had made it home (to the burbs) safely. I thanked him for a lovely time, and he said, “Yeah, I enjoyed it. But you made me eat a tomato.” It was like I committed murder and it was confusing to actually experience some guilt about something so ridiculously insignificant.

I have no idea why Sean asked me to hang out again. I had to turn him down. I love food too much for that sort of anxiety and trepidation to be repeated.

What Planet do you Live On? Part 4 – Interesting Ways of Reaching Out

As you know, I often skip around the timelines of my illustrious dating life to talk about some of my experiences when I feel most capable of explaining every detail. Lately, I’ve been in a deep funk of frustration and it seems that no one on the other end of my Wifi can figure out how to keep a conversation going…if they are capable of even starting one. It has come to the point that when someone messages me and says, “What kind of dog do you have?” as their introduction, my go-to answer is now “Oh, he’s a Go f*ck yourself… EVER HEAR OF THAT breed!!!??” I know…it’s mean…but look what I have to deal with:

Check out this sultry intro:

LARRY
Everyone say “hi” to Larry and take comfort in the fact that my snarky responses are not just on this blog.

Then there’s…Mister Mr. Oh, you did read that correctly. I enjoyed this guy’s inflated ego almost as much as his screen name. Unfortunately, I think the irony goes unnoticed by him. It also pains me to think that he had to steal jokes from everyone under the sun to put together his uninspired bio:

mistermr profile

The hot dog reference is from one of the best scenes of “Father of the Bride” and needs to remain there. He also messed up the numbers of hot dogs and buns in the joke, but I’m not really surprised about that. I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when a crappy cover band performs one of your favorite songs of all time and does it horribly. Don’t mess with classic feature film comedy, dude.

So, as I was thinking fondly about the actual movie (“Who’s George Banks?!?”), Mister Mr noticed that I checked out said bio and sent me this “message”:

mrmister

Oh yeah…totally making it happen. I don’t know how he’d fit me into his busy schedule of “having sex” and “finding Waldo.” I bet he does make it happen with some women who think he’s a charming, direct New Yorker, and those women have even less of a clue than I do. That’s why I don’t feel guilty about telling you he’s a comedic thief.

I hope you, my fair readers, at least remember the amazing 80s band by an almost identical name: Mr. Mister. They created this work of genius:

“Broken Wings” stuck in your head now? Good, it is a classic. You are welcome.

What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

315

My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.