Conversations With My Cousin: Magnetism for the Maniac

There are many times when I wonder if it is just me…am I the only one receiving the weirdest messages from the most disturbed individuals on the Internet? Or am I the one that is too critical and not giving the right people a chance?

Then I hear from my cousin and somehow everything equalizes. A very smart and beautiful female of a similar age who works full-time, living in a different region* of the U.S., she often finds some real winners as well. Here are some that she has shared with me, instead of deleting immediately and setting her profile, phone and computer on fire, which is typically my first instinct:

looklikeyourdadmatch

What would they chat about? His own personal daddy issues?

falloutofheavenmatch

And then…what? She vomits?

ifyouwereafruit

WTF???

Maybe it is in our blood…some sort of pull that we have on the crazy. Here’s a recent text exchange we had:

188

* This post is dedicated to the people who tell me how my dating issues would be solved if I left New York. Uh huh.

Done and done!

Sometimes, an entire dating scenario plays out in a matter of minutes. This message sums up an entire relationship I have had with some people in one short message. If this guy didn’t spell his screen name wrong, I would congratulate him…

FlyMeTONTheMoon

…’cause honestly, what else is left to say?

Food Networking > Online Dating

Combing through the terrifying history of the dates that I have had, one theme that has come up several times is my love of food and restaurants. Namely: food and restaurants related to celebrity chefs. I use the word “celebrity” to mean that I have heard of or seen this chef on the Food Network at least a few times and get really starstruck if I see them in person.

My fake underwear
http://www.cafepress.com/+i_love_my_chef_boyfriend_womens_boy_brief,610520602

I think the beginning of my Food Network interest was on a not-so-blind date with someone I was actually interested in several years ago. This person happened to be interested in working in the restaurant industry and shared my budding appreciation for all things Food Network. So you can imagine both of our squealing delight when Mario Batali walked into the bar we were sitting in. With a combination of sheer curiosity, the desire to recount this story hundreds of times in the future and the need to look cool in front of my date, I approached Mario. Let it be known that these were still the days where one can smoke cigarettes inside bars. Mario was participating, with a cigarette in one hand, drink in another and the proverbial layer of perspiration on his ginger brow.

Sexy Batali
http://www.bowlfamilyvacation.com/2014/03/21/mario-batalis-favorite-eats-mi/

“Hi Mario. I just wanted to tell you I watch your show every day and I’m a big fan,” I stated as soon as I approached him (I do believe he was wearing his trademark orange shoes as well) and his friend.

Mario’s response seemed sincere, “Oh, do you cook as well?” he asked.

“No,” I admitted with a sheepish grin, “I just like watching you.” Okay, in retrospect, I sounded like a complete stalker…but it was successful.

Mario then glances at his friend, puts his thick arm around my neck and lays a giant, moist kiss right in the middle of my forehead. Then he says, “You are the perfect woman.”

My date witnessed all of this but obviously didn’t agree with Mario’s assessment, because things between us didn’t last for long after that night.

Fast-forward a few years later…I happened to be at the same bar on a truly blind date with a man that I had met online. We were talking to each other in the outside seating area, which was fantastic since my date was not very entertaining. There wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with him but the most memorable part of our conversation was when he recounted the time he got the “opportunity” to be an extra in the “Miami Vice” movie, minute by minute. I’m pretty sure it took him about an hour to tell me every detail down to his thoughts about pursuing acting afterwards (Seriously? He played one of hundreds of dudes at a dance club in the opening scene) to Colin Farrell’s smoking habits on set. In between all of that, a glimmer of hope and beauty passed us by that made my entire year. Eric Ripert – one of the most famous chefs (not necessarily on the Food Network – but friends with many of those personalities and a feature of many, MANY foodie conversations) was walking by. And he was by himself! I don’t even think my date noticed that my jaw was on the floor as I stared to his immediate left for a good 60 seconds and started shaking. I was pretty surprised that such a well-known entity in the culinary world was navigating the streets all alone and that I was actually witnessing it. I told my date, who basically had no interest in what I was saying and continued to describe his fantasy of being the next Sonny Crockett…or whatever he was talking about. I should have ran up to Mr. Ripert and never looked back.

Eric Ripert hotness
https://quarrylanefarms.wordpress.com/tag/richard-blaise/

And a similar experience happened last summer, on yet another online date with someone else who claimed to be heavily involved in the culinary world. So how in the world could he not recognize Maneet Chauhan?! Truth be told, I could not remember her name and had to spend a few minutes literally right after first meeting my date to figure out the famous Food Network “Chopped” judge and restauranteur’s identity – but I knew that I knew her! I watched her closely in the bar area of the restaurant where we were seated, waiting to see or hear her complain about the “cloying sweetness” or “lack of spice mixture” in one of her appetizers, like she does on TV all the time. Oh yeah – and my date was there too, but that obviously didn’t work out.

Maneet - doing what she does best on "Chopped"
http://www.maneetchauhan.com/choppedphoto.html

I think my true calling is to be an agent for a famous chef, don’t you? Being in the same vicinity with a culinary celebrity is more thrilling for me than any dating scenario, which is very telling. Even as I document these experiences, I watch “The Kitchen” and hope to catch a real-life glimpse of Geoffrey Zakarian’s fabulous hipster glasses.

Geoffrey Zakarian pops his collar
::SWOON:: Look at that hot chef popped collar!
http://den.bigleo.com/2014/02/geoffrey-zakarians-next-big-move/

The Flue was Lubricated and They had Gone on About Six Dates

I would like to personally thank KTLA for covering this hard-hitting story and deterring even more would-be “normal” members of online dating sites. Just because this woman felt like doing a Santa Claus impression with her new man (in her head only) doesn’t mean all site members are twisted and think entering someone’s home via chimney is appropriate:

Incidentally, how creative is this image as a dating profile pic?

thousand-oaks-chimney-101914

Full text available here: http://ktla.com/2014/10/19/firefighters-rescue-woman-trapped-in-chimney-at-thousand-oaks-home/

Clairvoyance on Okcupid

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times (and I think I have on here): okcupid.com is chock-full of nonsensical messages. Here’s more proof:

“Onezen” was nice enough to not only compliment my countenance, but he also took some words of wisdom that I can only imagine were obtained from some higher power – like a fortune cookie – and shared them with me. Note my heartened response that is also viewable below:

onezen clairvoyant

I don’t understand what someone who sends this message expects the recipient to do in return. It’s not even mean or- GASP! – grammatically incorrect like this:

Hello,

Dropping unannounced; so beg apologies beforehand.

Since you are from the City and I moved into the City around 8 months ago without getting much time to see around: will you be willing to show me around….

In return I can tell you some jokes (perhaps) or give you one of my paintings. I live in UWS by 54th. I want to see some galleries and attend an Ensemble. I swim regularly in my gym, but do you happen to know if there are places outside, a lake perhaps.

Great day,

S

…Or this:

Hello’ how are you? You alright’ can you meet me for coffee?

…Actually, it’s similar to this gem:

hi my good heart sister. u are e special people we want in life. i cant forgo u for any other person. and could see, u will be a faithful partner

It’s just… a rambling horoscope offered within a message on an online dating site.

The usual.

Online Dating Oracle

I met Jason on Tinder. He kept everything polite and simple, and miraculously kept a normal conversation going without yelling at me or sending me a penis pic. Amusingly enough, I gauged his sense of humor by asking him to avoid yelling at me or sending inappropriate crotch images and he smoothly responded that of course he wouldn’t do that – but I had to make the same promise to him. Jason was a laugh riot!

To make an even better impression, Jason chose a place to meet that was exactly halfway between each of our apartments. Once we met up, I was pretty impressed by his appearance – he (thankfully) looked very much like his online photos, was well-dressed and had a great smile.

Jason worked as a sommelier and found a great wine bar for us to go to. That place turned out to be too crowded so we walked down the street and found another one. Once we got settled at the second-rate wine spot, our conversation went well. I could tell immediately that there wasn’t that much chemistry between the two of us, but he was easy to speak to. After Jason turned his nose up at my wine order (Prosecco is a favorite – stop judging), and described why champagne is better, I asked him why he moved from one part of the city to the other just to make conversation. As it turned out, he moved when he broke up with a girlfriend he had lived with for a seemingly long time. And this is how the conversation progressed:

Me: So did you just start dating again?

Jason: Yes. The day you started talking to me on Tinder was the day I put my profile up.

Me: And you’ve never been on an online date before?!?!?

Jason: No – I guess I haven’t.

Me: But you were so cool with my warning about not sending me any profane photos or texts!?

Jason: I just figured I would follow your lead?

Me: So…you’re not really aware of all of the weirdness that can happen between two people who know nothing about one another outside of a few photographs and texting?

Jason: What do you mean?

What followed after that was a general speech from yours truly about what to avoid when finding oneself in the online dating pool. I covered everything from strategically-taken selfies to stalkers to angry obsessions.

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…”

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…” http://matrix.wikia.com/wiki/The_Oracle

Doesn’t this guy watch Online Rituals of the American Male religiously like I do?! Come to think of it, does anyone watch that show besides me? I must’ve gotten lost in my own head for a bit (that one glass of horrendous carbonated wine must’ve done it) and I then came back to reality.

Me: Sorry – I’ve done online dating for a while, so I tend to have a lot to say about it.

Jason: No…that’s okay. These are things I should know I guess.

It’s a good thing I didn’t feel much of a connection to Jason because his offer to go on a wine-tasting tour on our next date never happened. He never got in touch with me after my crash-course in online dating and in retrospect, I don’t really blame him.

How can he even compete with my vast experience?

Note to self: On your next date, don’t get into a screaming tirade about online molesters when trying to impress someone with your breezy smile. Heh.

Single Jewish People Need More Alternatives?

So I found this in my Twitter feed the other day:

http://time.com/70401/theres-now-a-wide-selection-of-tinder-alternatives-for-jewish-singles/

Not only am I disgusted that:

1. Someone actually took the time to write this for Time and got paid for it

2. An adorable dog was humiliated for the main photo

3. There are more overused Jewish puns in here than I have ever seen before

jewish dog

But the Jewish alternative for Tinder already exists. It’s called Coffee Meets Bagel*. It’s just as, if not even more ridiculous than this article.

*Okay so the Coffee Meets Bagel app is not specifically for Jewish people, but those are the only people who I have seen on there. It is basically the ugliest J-Date members on Facebook. If that’s your thing, then go for it!

Tales of the Tinder: “Tattle-tale”

I’m sure there is a plethora of people who have online dating profiles that are also in some sort of relationship, whether they are married, have a boyfriend / girlfriend or someone else basically thinks they are maintaining their business only for them. I’m sure of this because I have heard way too many stories of lovers gone astray via dating sites, but I have never witnessed it from inside of the dating pool myself…until Tinder. I can’t comment on females doing this (although I am sure it happens), but I can say that I have found at least a handful of men that I know in real life who are definitely not single on the app. Now…if I recognize these people as I sift through their Facebook profile photos, won’t other people be able to do the same?! For crying out loud – it is connected to one’s Facebook account! Do people want to be caught? I just don’t get it, and as I said in an earlier post, it still seems to be a fun kind of toy for people to play with. They can probably use a site for affairs, like Ashley Madison or something, but those sorts of things aren’t free. So now we are talking about CHEAP cheaters. My favorite!

18mhewv6h96qljpg

I actually saved an entire conversation with someone I had on Tinder who I recognized as a mutual friend from many years ago. The last I heard, he was married with a kid, but seeing him on the app made me think that his status had changed. But no. Being completely candid – I will say that I only realized about halfway through our discussion, that his photo (from his Facebook profile of course) is with his wife. A few days after this conversation, I noticed that he had changed his Facebook picture to just one of himself, alone. Interesting.

Without further adeau, a Tinder transcript between the “happily married” man (henceforth, referred to as “HMM”) and I:

HMM: Hey
ME: Hey. You recognize me, right?
HMM: Yeah lol
HMM: What r u doing on here? Lol
ME: Haha – just making sure. We know basically all of the same people. I thought you were married 🙂
HMM: I am married.
HMM: Lol
HMM: R u a tatle tale
ME: So what are you doing on here?!?
HMM: Just passing the time
HMM: I don’t get involved
ME: I’m not a tattle tale. I’m single.
HMM: I know
ME: So that’s why I’m here.
HMM: So this is really for single ppl to hook up right?
HMM: Right, I just wanted to see what all the fuss what about
HMM: I’m happily married
HMM: 🙂
HMM: Any cool guys on here or are they all freaks? Lol
ME: Hmmm ok. I’ve met some decent ones and I’m certainly not looking for random hook-ups. I can typically sniff out the freaks.
HMM: Haha
HMM: Yeah
HMM: Good for you
HMM: That’s cool*
HMM: I literally just downloaded this with my single coworker sitting next to me right now
HMM: Lol
HMM: But I can see this getting me into trouble!!!!
HMM: Not my thing!
HMM: How r u anyways?
HMM: Loooooong time
ME: I’m good. I can see how it can be interesting.
HMM: So let me ask you something?
HMM: Just between us?
ME: Ok.
HMM: Promise?
ME: Ok.
HMM: Why did you click on me? Lol
ME: I thought maybe you were single if you were on here. Lots of people get married and then divorced.
HMM: Right
HMM: Ok
HMM: Lol
HMM: Good luck
HMM: 🙂

And then I blocked him.

Let’s all hope that he was being sincere by telling me he was using a dating / “hook-up” app to pass the work day, shall we?

*Sadly, I missed taking a screenshot of the piece of the conversation where he tells me I look great and that I should have no problem finding someone. You know – ‘cause I’m on the app for ego stroking from a married man.

Tales of the Tinder: “Tinderella” and Paranoia

Being a modern lady, I believe that it is my duty to try out the latest platform for singles to meet. For those of you who are not familiar with it, Tinder is an app that connects your Facebook “About Me” section along with your Facebook photos to create a geo-tagged profile page for you. Once a profile is created, you can search for people by gender, age and distance from you. Two people will not be able to communicate with each other until they both choose to like each other or “swipe right” on each other’s profiles. More questions? Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I will cover every detail at some point.

A few notes on Tinder for the paranoid / non-single / “happily married”:

– Um, no Facebook doesn’t tell everyone that you’re a loser searching online for dates

– It’s really not that interesting – and works pretty much like every other online dating site – meaning you still have to filter out the crazies. Yet, for some reason – everyone I know is dying to check it out like it’s a new toy that they want to play with – how did that happen?

– In my opinion, it is solely based on photos, and I’m okay with that. Those who are on it and complain about that factor should use another site or app. The people who argue against the “superficial” nature of Tinder are most likely the same people who say they “hate talking about themselves” in their written profiles and direct users to “just ask if you want to know anything else” on other sites.

– It is for people who are looking to hook up or date! If you have a profile on there, don’t tell me you are just “peeking around.” More on those winners in a bit..

This eye-opening video was sent to me by a co-worker who claimed that, as a blogger that writes about dating, it is my duty to view, share and emphasize the fact that, in general, like EVERY OTHER ONLINE DATING SITE, men certainly do view Tinder differently than women:

Like I said: filter out the crazies. More to come!

Bob

Forget about people you get along with, who seem to be a great match for you and then disappear for no obvious reason whatsoever. Nevermind the blatantly WRONG people who swim in the contaminated pool of online dating. Sometimes the smallest details can hinder the beginnings of a romance.

Bob had so much promise. He looked like a meatier guy than I’m used to in his profile pics, but by no means obese or sickly. He had a cute face, a good job and was very friendly in our correspondence. After a few days of pleasant texting, we decided to talk on the phone. He told me that he had a cold for the past few days, but was feeling a lot better and would give me a call as we had planned.

know, no

Source: http://homophonesweakly.blogspot.com/2013/03/meatier-meteor.html
(Side note – it’s embarrassing that English-speaking people confuse these two words!)

The first issue was that he sounded TERRIBLE. His voice was really scratchy and it sounded really difficult for him to get his words out. Yet, he told me he was doing great and I could decipher his words so we started talking. I think we first started talking about working out, since I had been at the gym earlier and I attempted to break the ice by making fun of sweating while on the treadmill. Bob told me that he took salsa lessons every week and was starting to get good at it (it had been a bet between he and his brother if he would go, and he ended up liking it) which I enjoyed hearing. What I didn’t enjoy hearing about was the “soaking wet” body he had in his dancing clothes when dancing, and how he never thought it would be such a good work-out. I give Bob a lot of credit for dancing with strangers, but I just couldn’t get the image of a large man making scratchy sounds while doing salsa steps in two t-shirts that he had soaked through out of my mind once he shared that with me.

Sweating_guy-1
Source: http://reedcar.wordpress.com/

After the sweating, we started talking about where we each live. It was then that Bob casually mentioned that he didn’t live in Queens, as he listed in his profile, but spent most of his time in Delaware at his parents’ house. He still rented the place in Queens for work, but was planning on getting rid of it soon. I thought, “so what the heck is he talking to me for?!” Delaware is not exactly next door to New York City. I didn’t say anything about that, considering we didn’t know each other but I was sufficiently confused and his coughing started to increase.
This wasn’t the soul-singing deep voice that some people get when they get sick:

This dude sounded like he had gotten into a fist fight with a large cow…and then he swallowed the cow…but some of it was still stuck in his throat. Sexy, isn’t it? Anyway, after he said a few words, he would crumble into a coughing spell to the point that I was on the other end, genuinely concerned for him, asking “are you okay?!?” to which he would skip a beat, and say “yep, I’m fine.”

I’m pretty sure the finale was his largest coughing fit of the call, where I believe he spit something out at the end (cow hide?). Being who I am, I couldn’t help the sarcastic “that’s sexy” comment to come flying out of my mouth. Well, Bob was amused by that as well, starting laughing which caused more coughing. That was when I said I was going to let him get off the phone…and get first aid or something.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression, even on the phone. I’ve screwed things up on my own enough to know that. I hope Bob’s cough went away and he’s enjoying sweaty salsa in our first state. That’s what Delaware’s known for, right?