What Planet do you Live On? Part 4 – Interesting Ways of Reaching Out

As you know, I often skip around the timelines of my illustrious dating life to talk about some of my experiences when I feel most capable of explaining every detail. Lately, I’ve been in a deep funk of frustration and it seems that no one on the other end of my Wifi can figure out how to keep a conversation going…if they are capable of even starting one. It has come to the point that when someone messages me and says, “What kind of dog do you have?” as their introduction, my go-to answer is now “Oh, he’s a Go f*ck yourself… EVER HEAR OF THAT breed!!!??” I know…it’s mean…but look what I have to deal with:

Check out this sultry intro:

LARRY
Everyone say “hi” to Larry and take comfort in the fact that my snarky responses are not just on this blog.

Then there’s…Mister Mr. Oh, you did read that correctly. I enjoyed this guy’s inflated ego almost as much as his screen name. Unfortunately, I think the irony goes unnoticed by him. It also pains me to think that he had to steal jokes from everyone under the sun to put together his uninspired bio:

mistermr profile

The hot dog reference is from one of the best scenes of “Father of the Bride” and needs to remain there. He also messed up the numbers of hot dogs and buns in the joke, but I’m not really surprised about that. I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when a crappy cover band performs one of your favorite songs of all time and does it horribly. Don’t mess with classic feature film comedy, dude.

So, as I was thinking fondly about the actual movie (“Who’s George Banks?!?”), Mister Mr noticed that I checked out said bio and sent me this “message”:

mrmister

Oh yeah…totally making it happen. I don’t know how he’d fit me into his busy schedule of “having sex” and “finding Waldo.” I bet he does make it happen with some women who think he’s a charming, direct New Yorker, and those women have even less of a clue than I do. That’s why I don’t feel guilty about telling you he’s a comedic thief.

I hope you, my fair readers, at least remember the amazing 80s band by an almost identical name: Mr. Mister. They created this work of genius:

“Broken Wings” stuck in your head now? Good, it is a classic. You are welcome.

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What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

Conversations With My Cousin: Magnetism for the Maniac

There are many times when I wonder if it is just me…am I the only one receiving the weirdest messages from the most disturbed individuals on the Internet? Or am I the one that is too critical and not giving the right people a chance?

Then I hear from my cousin and somehow everything equalizes. A very smart and beautiful female of a similar age who works full-time, living in a different region* of the U.S., she often finds some real winners as well. Here are some that she has shared with me, instead of deleting immediately and setting her profile, phone and computer on fire, which is typically my first instinct:

looklikeyourdadmatch

What would they chat about? His own personal daddy issues?

falloutofheavenmatch

And then…what? She vomits?

ifyouwereafruit

WTF???

Maybe it is in our blood…some sort of pull that we have on the crazy. Here’s a recent text exchange we had:

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* This post is dedicated to the people who tell me how my dating issues would be solved if I left New York. Uh huh.

Food Networking > Online Dating

Combing through the terrifying history of the dates that I have had, one theme that has come up several times is my love of food and restaurants. Namely: food and restaurants related to celebrity chefs. I use the word “celebrity” to mean that I have heard of or seen this chef on the Food Network at least a few times and get really starstruck if I see them in person.

My fake underwear
http://www.cafepress.com/+i_love_my_chef_boyfriend_womens_boy_brief,610520602

I think the beginning of my Food Network interest was on a not-so-blind date with someone I was actually interested in several years ago. This person happened to be interested in working in the restaurant industry and shared my budding appreciation for all things Food Network. So you can imagine both of our squealing delight when Mario Batali walked into the bar we were sitting in. With a combination of sheer curiosity, the desire to recount this story hundreds of times in the future and the need to look cool in front of my date, I approached Mario. Let it be known that these were still the days where one can smoke cigarettes inside bars. Mario was participating, with a cigarette in one hand, drink in another and the proverbial layer of perspiration on his ginger brow.

Sexy Batali
http://www.bowlfamilyvacation.com/2014/03/21/mario-batalis-favorite-eats-mi/

“Hi Mario. I just wanted to tell you I watch your show every day and I’m a big fan,” I stated as soon as I approached him (I do believe he was wearing his trademark orange shoes as well) and his friend.

Mario’s response seemed sincere, “Oh, do you cook as well?” he asked.

“No,” I admitted with a sheepish grin, “I just like watching you.” Okay, in retrospect, I sounded like a complete stalker…but it was successful.

Mario then glances at his friend, puts his thick arm around my neck and lays a giant, moist kiss right in the middle of my forehead. Then he says, “You are the perfect woman.”

My date witnessed all of this but obviously didn’t agree with Mario’s assessment, because things between us didn’t last for long after that night.

Fast-forward a few years later…I happened to be at the same bar on a truly blind date with a man that I had met online. We were talking to each other in the outside seating area, which was fantastic since my date was not very entertaining. There wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with him but the most memorable part of our conversation was when he recounted the time he got the “opportunity” to be an extra in the “Miami Vice” movie, minute by minute. I’m pretty sure it took him about an hour to tell me every detail down to his thoughts about pursuing acting afterwards (Seriously? He played one of hundreds of dudes at a dance club in the opening scene) to Colin Farrell’s smoking habits on set. In between all of that, a glimmer of hope and beauty passed us by that made my entire year. Eric Ripert – one of the most famous chefs (not necessarily on the Food Network – but friends with many of those personalities and a feature of many, MANY foodie conversations) was walking by. And he was by himself! I don’t even think my date noticed that my jaw was on the floor as I stared to his immediate left for a good 60 seconds and started shaking. I was pretty surprised that such a well-known entity in the culinary world was navigating the streets all alone and that I was actually witnessing it. I told my date, who basically had no interest in what I was saying and continued to describe his fantasy of being the next Sonny Crockett…or whatever he was talking about. I should have ran up to Mr. Ripert and never looked back.

Eric Ripert hotness
https://quarrylanefarms.wordpress.com/tag/richard-blaise/

And a similar experience happened last summer, on yet another online date with someone else who claimed to be heavily involved in the culinary world. So how in the world could he not recognize Maneet Chauhan?! Truth be told, I could not remember her name and had to spend a few minutes literally right after first meeting my date to figure out the famous Food Network “Chopped” judge and restauranteur’s identity – but I knew that I knew her! I watched her closely in the bar area of the restaurant where we were seated, waiting to see or hear her complain about the “cloying sweetness” or “lack of spice mixture” in one of her appetizers, like she does on TV all the time. Oh yeah – and my date was there too, but that obviously didn’t work out.

Maneet - doing what she does best on "Chopped"
http://www.maneetchauhan.com/choppedphoto.html

I think my true calling is to be an agent for a famous chef, don’t you? Being in the same vicinity with a culinary celebrity is more thrilling for me than any dating scenario, which is very telling. Even as I document these experiences, I watch “The Kitchen” and hope to catch a real-life glimpse of Geoffrey Zakarian’s fabulous hipster glasses.

Geoffrey Zakarian pops his collar
::SWOON:: Look at that hot chef popped collar!
http://den.bigleo.com/2014/02/geoffrey-zakarians-next-big-move/

The Flue was Lubricated and They had Gone on About Six Dates

I would like to personally thank KTLA for covering this hard-hitting story and deterring even more would-be “normal” members of online dating sites. Just because this woman felt like doing a Santa Claus impression with her new man (in her head only) doesn’t mean all site members are twisted and think entering someone’s home via chimney is appropriate:

Incidentally, how creative is this image as a dating profile pic?

thousand-oaks-chimney-101914

Full text available here: http://ktla.com/2014/10/19/firefighters-rescue-woman-trapped-in-chimney-at-thousand-oaks-home/

Clairvoyance on Okcupid

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times (and I think I have on here): okcupid.com is chock-full of nonsensical messages. Here’s more proof:

“Onezen” was nice enough to not only compliment my countenance, but he also took some words of wisdom that I can only imagine were obtained from some higher power – like a fortune cookie – and shared them with me. Note my heartened response that is also viewable below:

onezen clairvoyant

I don’t understand what someone who sends this message expects the recipient to do in return. It’s not even mean or- GASP! – grammatically incorrect like this:

Hello,

Dropping unannounced; so beg apologies beforehand.

Since you are from the City and I moved into the City around 8 months ago without getting much time to see around: will you be willing to show me around….

In return I can tell you some jokes (perhaps) or give you one of my paintings. I live in UWS by 54th. I want to see some galleries and attend an Ensemble. I swim regularly in my gym, but do you happen to know if there are places outside, a lake perhaps.

Great day,

S

…Or this:

Hello’ how are you? You alright’ can you meet me for coffee?

…Actually, it’s similar to this gem:

hi my good heart sister. u are e special people we want in life. i cant forgo u for any other person. and could see, u will be a faithful partner

It’s just… a rambling horoscope offered within a message on an online dating site.

The usual.