What Planet Do You Live On?

Look at the incredible way that Marilyn Manson Junior has introduced himself into my heart!

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And I was excited to see that this gentleman is so free with his bodily functions that he uses a photo to demonstrate that on Tinder:

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But then I considered going out with him:

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(I’m not even sure what his message said – I was laughing too hard at his main photo).

But most importantly, do you guys think I should take advantage of this offer?

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We can “even get coffee”!! Jackpot.

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The Flue was Lubricated and They had Gone on About Six Dates

I would like to personally thank KTLA for covering this hard-hitting story and deterring even more would-be “normal” members of online dating sites. Just because this woman felt like doing a Santa Claus impression with her new man (in her head only) doesn’t mean all site members are twisted and think entering someone’s home via chimney is appropriate:

Incidentally, how creative is this image as a dating profile pic?

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Full text available here: http://ktla.com/2014/10/19/firefighters-rescue-woman-trapped-in-chimney-at-thousand-oaks-home/

A Post That Warrants Sharing Everywhere

tiger

A friend sent me the following post and told me it reminded her of me. I am honored – since it is extremely well-written, but also horrified that so many girls are dealing with the world of the “dating” lunatic.

My favorite quote from the post is not even directly from the writer, but from none other than Cher from Clueless, whose scripted words from nearly 20 years ago still remain true in my current reality:

Check out this interesting post, note that the writer actually knows how to well…umm…WRITE! Most importantly, please note that those of us dealing with such oddities are not alone:

http://jezebel.com/the-tragic-tale-of-the-blind-date-dick-pic-1608292704

Online Dating Oracle

I met Jason on Tinder. He kept everything polite and simple, and miraculously kept a normal conversation going without yelling at me or sending me a penis pic. Amusingly enough, I gauged his sense of humor by asking him to avoid yelling at me or sending inappropriate crotch images and he smoothly responded that of course he wouldn’t do that – but I had to make the same promise to him. Jason was a laugh riot!

To make an even better impression, Jason chose a place to meet that was exactly halfway between each of our apartments. Once we met up, I was pretty impressed by his appearance – he (thankfully) looked very much like his online photos, was well-dressed and had a great smile.

Jason worked as a sommelier and found a great wine bar for us to go to. That place turned out to be too crowded so we walked down the street and found another one. Once we got settled at the second-rate wine spot, our conversation went well. I could tell immediately that there wasn’t that much chemistry between the two of us, but he was easy to speak to. After Jason turned his nose up at my wine order (Prosecco is a favorite – stop judging), and described why champagne is better, I asked him why he moved from one part of the city to the other just to make conversation. As it turned out, he moved when he broke up with a girlfriend he had lived with for a seemingly long time. And this is how the conversation progressed:

Me: So did you just start dating again?

Jason: Yes. The day you started talking to me on Tinder was the day I put my profile up.

Me: And you’ve never been on an online date before?!?!?

Jason: No – I guess I haven’t.

Me: But you were so cool with my warning about not sending me any profane photos or texts!?

Jason: I just figured I would follow your lead?

Me: So…you’re not really aware of all of the weirdness that can happen between two people who know nothing about one another outside of a few photographs and texting?

Jason: What do you mean?

What followed after that was a general speech from yours truly about what to avoid when finding oneself in the online dating pool. I covered everything from strategically-taken selfies to stalkers to angry obsessions.

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…”

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…” http://matrix.wikia.com/wiki/The_Oracle

Doesn’t this guy watch Online Rituals of the American Male religiously like I do?! Come to think of it, does anyone watch that show besides me? I must’ve gotten lost in my own head for a bit (that one glass of horrendous carbonated wine must’ve done it) and I then came back to reality.

Me: Sorry – I’ve done online dating for a while, so I tend to have a lot to say about it.

Jason: No…that’s okay. These are things I should know I guess.

It’s a good thing I didn’t feel much of a connection to Jason because his offer to go on a wine-tasting tour on our next date never happened. He never got in touch with me after my crash-course in online dating and in retrospect, I don’t really blame him.

How can he even compete with my vast experience?

Note to self: On your next date, don’t get into a screaming tirade about online molesters when trying to impress someone with your breezy smile. Heh.

My Miniature South African and his Love of Anything Cultural

Oh Gavin, you were absolutely perfect on paper…or on my computer screen, as it were.

“Why haven’t I written to you sooner?” was the first sentence of my response to the gallant message that Gavin, the South African psychologist (yes, you read that right) penned for me via JDate.

He was charming, educated and looked really handsome in his photos. Gavin seemed to be a dream come true. But pssh, I’ve dealt with that one before. I wasn’t going to get ahead of myself. Well…besides imagining how cute our half South African babies would be and all of the international traveling our whole future family would be doing…

He chose a cute wine bar that is less than a 5 minute walk from my office. If I remember correctly, Gavin was already at a table when I got there. First detail I noted was that he definitely wasn’t as handsome and was definitely a few inches shorter than he appeared to be in his profile photos. But he wasn’t necessarily bad looking, had that awesome South African accent…and a J-O-B! It was a bit intimidating that he worked to evaluate and treat inmates with psychological and mental care at a very well-known prison in the tri-state area. But hey – we all have to make a buck.

So, while he wasn’t as physically attractive as I thought, he did have a brain that he actually used in dialogue. It was the beginning of September when we had our date and the upcoming Jewish holidays were brought up (by him). I’m pretty sure he asked me how I would be celebrating the Jewish New Year. I think that is the case because when I replied that I will be celebrating with some of the usual family members, then asked what his plans were, his reply was, “We will Tashlich and do the Selichot with our Machzor. It should be a joyous yontif.”

So I just sipped my wine. Wow, I thought, this guy is really Jewish. He just spoke in mostly Yiddish and I have no idea what he said.

We had also ordered a selection of cheeses at the bar, and as with literally any cheese product I eat, all of them were delicious. I made a comment about how tasty the cheese was and Gavin’s reply was, “Oh I know – I love this epoisses. It tastes like it’s by Isigny Sainte Mere – but I’m not sure, are you? I have another type of this at home. I keep it with my challerhocker in the fromage decoupage.”

Crickets.

gavin

http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/920325

Once again, I had no reply. Who the heck knows the names of all of the fancy cheeses and has them in their home? I have always been a “curd nerd,” thinking that any cheese type will do. Packaged American cheese slices? Delish! String cheese? Great for breakfast. Basically, anything. But this fancy talk was way over my [cheese] head.

I think at some point, Gavin decided that he couldn’t accept my ignorance because our parting was final and I never heard from him again. He might have left his psychologist gig (which – by the way – would have been really interesting to learn about – had he brought it up!) and became a cheese instructor for the Yiddish…Who knows.

Gay ga zinta hate.

I’m no Annie, but you’re no Tony Micelli: My Very First Online Blind Date

Anyone remember when there were no profile pictures available on dating sites, and that was kind of okay, because the Interwebs and everything it could possibly offer was very new? During that infancy, I went on one blind date with someone I met in some sort of single chat room…or something. I honestly don’t remember how we started talking, but we did and it was a great learning experience, so stop judging me.

Brian was a very new officer for the NYPD and I believe he had just graduated from the academy within the same year that we met. We spoke on the phone and decided to meet near my temp job at the time and go to the movies. ‘Cause…you know…a dark movie theater is a great place to get to know a stranger.

I remember getting out of work and being extremely attentive to every guy with brown hair and eyes who looked to be in my age range. I didn’t really know what Brian looked like other than hair and eye color, and that he was “built.” I must’ve looked really intense as I walked down the cold streets of the city toward our meeting spot, because a pretty attractive guy walked up to me smiling and I said, “Brian?” and he responded, “Nope.” WEIRD – was I imagining him walking up to me or was he just nuts? “Okay, sorry,” I sputtered awkwardly, as I kept walking.

I arrived at the front of the movie theater and there he was. George Costanza. He certainly had brown eyes and hair, but I had never seen someone who looked more like Jason Alexander to date. He was a little shorter, with bigger man-boobs. And he was definitely fit but the bulging chest muscles (aforementioned “man-boobs” were made of muscle) didn’t match up with anything else on his body. And I’m sorry but I’ve never found George to be attractive. With permanently crinkled eyes behind round glasses and a slight separation of his thin pasty lips, he confirmed that he was, indeed, Brian. Great.

After getting tickets for our movie, we went to a café to pass some time before it started. I specifically remember Brian telling me that since I told him my hair was very curly and reddish-brown, he thought I would resemble orphan Annie. He was disappointed that I didn’t resemble her, and he made that very clear. I apologized for not having short cheddar cheese-colored curls and causing such disillusionment, which didn’t seem to make either of us any more comfortable.

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Brian’s dream date. How creepy.

Photo Credit: http://i1.wp.com/pgoaamericanprofile2.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/aileen-quinn-little-orphan-annie.jpg

We sat at the café, and thumbs up to Brian, who was bitter about my lack of banana curls, yet still attempted to make conversation. Each time he did this, his thin lips separated with a smacking sound and foam developed on the corners of his mouth. If that detail doesn’t turn you on, think about a body builder alternating his pec twitching to show off a unique physique. I specifically remember Tony Danza (aka: Tony Micelli) doing this on “Who’s the Boss” once in a while. To summarize, I was on my first ever online blind date and he looked like George Costanza enduring a mild seizure. I believe he thought he looked like a buff Italian guy like Tony Micelli who had the right to judge my appearance…but I’m only speculating.

A little while later, Brian and I sat in the movie theater and made some more small talk. It was during this time that Brian confessed that some of his buddies at the (police) academy mentioned that he somewhat resembles George Costanza.

No shit. I didn’t think you “resembled” him. I thought you literally were him.

But I didn’t say that. I feigned surprise and giggled a little bit and we moved forward.

Beyond the fact that I spent my very first online blind date with a Seinfeld caricature with a freakishly big chest and mouth foam, I have to also say that Patch Adams might be one of the worst movies of all time.

So it was a success all around.

Brian (posing with Judith Light):

micelli and costanza mix

Photo Credits: http://www.ivillage.com/hottest-tv-dads/1-a-531543; http://replygif.net/thumbnail/243.gif

Nice Profile Pic

When casting a wide net in collecting possibilities for online dates, a good rule of thumb is to start out with some great photos of one’s self. After all, most people on such sites don’t take the time to actually read the text of one’s profile and base their opinions purely on the images provided.

And with that, I decided to start a little examination of the profile photos I see during my regular perusals of the online dating scene. Take a gander, and be advised that the majority of these photos are either the primary or the only photo attached to the profiles of these possible suitors…

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I love a good smartphone selfie in the bathroom mirror as much as anyone else, but if you’re going to use it to represent yourself, you might want to make sure your face is shown.

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Funny – but I’m thinking this isn’t the dude I would be talking to online?

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Uh, yeah, it would be nice if there even was an image in place of this important hipster message.

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I always look for a guy who takes good pictures of citrus. Awesome.

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This person knows what women fantasize about. And he wants everyone to know how creative he is with those fantasies in mind. Too bad his bikini underwear is an ugly neutral color. Otherwise, I’d be all over this.

By the way, I love when the sassy boys on online dating sites say that they don’t like “fish-face” or “extreme close-up” photos that girls post, since it means that the girl will be bigger or not-as-attractive in person. To those hotties, I say: Point taken. Yet, you should take take your own advice and avoid standing in front of the toilet for your own glamour shots, loser.

More pics to come…(get excited!)