What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

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Visual Temptation

I would like to take a second to thank some of you fine men out there for posting some truly attractive photos for us to judge and enjoy…

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Dirty Ass…bigsausage76…you fellas are truly in a class all your own. The respect and heartwarming message you have given your viewers, with just a name and photo is uplifting and dare I say, sexy.

I also really enjoyed the following guy’s two photos extensively. The chair that doesn’t seem to live on a planet with gravitational pull that he casually sits on, with one bare foot in the air while tweaking his (assumed) expensive sunglasses is impressive. So is his torso placement on a dark couch while modeling what must be a power suit with spacious pockets. But check out that Tinder intro! Not only is he healthy and a Skype user, but he also “trades stock market”! Further, he’s “IN TO SEX.” Jackpot! The foot in the air, the modeling on odd furniture, the claim that my happiness is “his duty” (when he’s not foot / furniture modeling) and my sneaking suspicion that he is either a prostitute or looking for one really sets this guy apart for me. Please…take it all in and try to absorb the goodness:

dbag profile 2

dbag profile 1

When ‘Awkward’ Doesn’t Quite Cut It*

Imagine having an extremely “proper” person as one of your colleagues. Also imagine, if you will, being in constant fear of doing your job incorrectly and being negatively judged by said colleague for…well…for pretty much everything.

Now I would like you to envision yourself showing this boss a technical diagram you having been working with for a project on your laptop. You might also be the same person who creates, manages and edits content for this blog on the same laptop…all in one general folder.
The colleague leans closer to your screen, while standing behind you and clicks a few buttons to get a better look.

“Oh, whoops!” he exclaims. “I’m so sorry.”

You quickly look over and see the following image encompassing your entire laptop screen:

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Of course you turn bright red and aggressively stutter that there is no way that the photo is being used for anything other than snarky amusement and you don’t even know the guy (a comment that always helps)! But the damage has already been done. And then he attempts to tell you a completely unrelated story about how one of his co-workers once saw a photo of his lunch or something on his computer. Which just makes the current experience even worse.

You just lived as me for a bit. How does it feel?

* Special thanks to Amanda for assuring me that a short tweet can be converted into an informative blog post.

Nice Profile Pic

When casting a wide net in collecting possibilities for online dates, a good rule of thumb is to start out with some great photos of one’s self. After all, most people on such sites don’t take the time to actually read the text of one’s profile and base their opinions purely on the images provided.

And with that, I decided to start a little examination of the profile photos I see during my regular perusals of the online dating scene. Take a gander, and be advised that the majority of these photos are either the primary or the only photo attached to the profiles of these possible suitors…

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I love a good smartphone selfie in the bathroom mirror as much as anyone else, but if you’re going to use it to represent yourself, you might want to make sure your face is shown.

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Funny – but I’m thinking this isn’t the dude I would be talking to online?

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Uh, yeah, it would be nice if there even was an image in place of this important hipster message.

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I always look for a guy who takes good pictures of citrus. Awesome.

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This person knows what women fantasize about. And he wants everyone to know how creative he is with those fantasies in mind. Too bad his bikini underwear is an ugly neutral color. Otherwise, I’d be all over this.

By the way, I love when the sassy boys on online dating sites say that they don’t like “fish-face” or “extreme close-up” photos that girls post, since it means that the girl will be bigger or not-as-attractive in person. To those hotties, I say: Point taken. Yet, you should take take your own advice and avoid standing in front of the toilet for your own glamour shots, loser.

More pics to come…(get excited!)