No First Date for You

These people were so insane via phone or e-mail that a first date never occurred.

Title Unnecessary, Just Like These Powerful Self-Summaries

Just to be clear (since I’m not sure the screenshot is), this person is not single and has posted a photo of a torso in the hopes of finding someone to please. Makes perfect sense, right?

Photo-editing aside, whichever suited suitor in the photo this summary is for, he already enjoys the company of “an older woman.” Why go on Match.com then? Possibly to talk about his supposed gym routine…maybe no one in real life (including said “older woman”) wants to hear about his daily fitness and employment patterns.

I guess I just wanted to point out that these are two more examples of individuals who are looking for something very specific, most likely not on Bumble or Match.com. I don’t know the correct places for them to go to suit their headless or older woman needs, but it definitely is not either of the places I found them.

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Judging Tommy

If this text conversation gives you a headache, then join the club. These are screenshots from a “get to know you” introductory conversation my single friend had with another great person named Tommy. Is it an undocumented rule that all of us have to have at least one bad experience with someone of this name?! As if it is not completely obvious, her messages are in green (and make sense) and his are in gray, and are mostly misspelled.

(screenshots from text convo)

Let’s repeat one of his best lines: “Why do girls feel the need to ask about a source of income i couldn’t tell ya.”

1. She literally asked “what he does” most likely to learn a bit about him, and what he spends his time doing.
2. She doesn’t represent all “girls” and what they “ask.”
3. Please note that his first question to her is if she has children or wants them – as though that is not personal or intrusive at all.
4. Why can’t he spell anything? Did he really win the lotto? Do all people who declare how much they earn per hour claim that their work is personal business?
5. Since when do people at law firms have “power”? Are we talking about super powers?
6. Why does he type “lol” so many times? Is it because he knows what the “opposite of a problem” is?

Net-net: It seems as though this conversation went south in about 5 minutes. After combing through it for context clues, I decided that “Tommy” has an obsession with Judge Judy and wishes he worked for her, at a real legal office, not one that he made up. He also wants to discuss fertility and reproduction, as his “safe” and “non-personal” topic.

Way to go, Tommy. Making the online dating game better with each misspelled and angry text.

Judge Judy GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

What Planet Do You Live On?

Look at the incredible way that Marilyn Manson Junior has introduced himself into my heart!

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And I was excited to see that this gentleman is so free with his bodily functions that he uses a photo to demonstrate that on Tinder:

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But then I considered going out with him:

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(I’m not even sure what his message said – I was laughing too hard at his main photo).

But most importantly, do you guys think I should take advantage of this offer?

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We can “even get coffee”!! Jackpot.

Visual Temptation

I would like to take a second to thank some of you fine men out there for posting some truly attractive photos for us to judge and enjoy…

dbag profile 4

dbag profile 3

Dirty Ass…bigsausage76…you fellas are truly in a class all your own. The respect and heartwarming message you have given your viewers, with just a name and photo is uplifting and dare I say, sexy.

I also really enjoyed the following guy’s two photos extensively. The chair that doesn’t seem to live on a planet with gravitational pull that he casually sits on, with one bare foot in the air while tweaking his (assumed) expensive sunglasses is impressive. So is his torso placement on a dark couch while modeling what must be a power suit with spacious pockets. But check out that Tinder intro! Not only is he healthy and a Skype user, but he also “trades stock market”! Further, he’s “IN TO SEX.” Jackpot! The foot in the air, the modeling on odd furniture, the claim that my happiness is “his duty” (when he’s not foot / furniture modeling) and my sneaking suspicion that he is either a prostitute or looking for one really sets this guy apart for me. Please…take it all in and try to absorb the goodness:

dbag profile 2

dbag profile 1

What’s That?

Online-Dating-Someecards

Here are some of my favorite e-mail* exchanges from the past few weeks:

Profile: nice man like to lungh coofee the city to listen and gentel 🙂 and funny

(nothing else is filled in on his profile and he has approximately 8 photos of himself most likely taken on the same day in front of what looks like a hotel in shorts and flip-flops)

E-mail Exchange:

Gentel:
Hey beautiful haw r u haw is u day going on

I was tempted to type “Virrry wel, thunk u – Hawt STUF,” but I just couldn’t bare it. Next…

*

From what I can tell from his profile, the following “Gentleman” is 10 years my junior, and smaller than me…if any of his pics or details are real:

E-mail Exchange:

Junior:
hey how are you doing? i know its random, but have you ever taken a guys virginity before? i ask because i’m still a virgin and I would love to loose it with an older woman

Me:
Oh yeah – all the time. That’s exactly why I’m on this site.

Junior:
😦 ok

Me:
I’m sorry – what exactly would be an answer that you are looking for??

Junior:
I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t thinking much, sorry. I’m really not a bad guy though

Me:
All righty then.

Junior:
I would love to get to know you more

Me:
I’m sure you do. Maybe another “older woman” will swoon from that incredible introduction. I wish you well.

Junior:
😦 did I ever have a chance at getting to know you? Whatever I would write you probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk with me. I’m happy I at least got a response from you

Me:
That’s great! Take care.

And a miraculous thing happened. He didn’t send me a penis pic and left me alone. I know…I’m still shocked.

*

Profile: consists of one photo – a selfie – of my admirer looking off-webcam and extremely pissed off.

E-mail Exchange:

Angry Selfie:
You remind me of my exigirlfriend…

Me:
That’s a wonderful intro.

Angry Selfie:
Lol would you like to meet for a drink ?

Oh silly boy – maybe if you put in like 1% of effort, someone would agree to meet your angry face for a beverage.

*Spelling and grammatical choices have been preserved for authenticity

Tales of the Tinder: “Tattle-tale”

I’m sure there is a plethora of people who have online dating profiles that are also in some sort of relationship, whether they are married, have a boyfriend / girlfriend or someone else basically thinks they are maintaining their business only for them. I’m sure of this because I have heard way too many stories of lovers gone astray via dating sites, but I have never witnessed it from inside of the dating pool myself…until Tinder. I can’t comment on females doing this (although I am sure it happens), but I can say that I have found at least a handful of men that I know in real life who are definitely not single on the app. Now…if I recognize these people as I sift through their Facebook profile photos, won’t other people be able to do the same?! For crying out loud – it is connected to one’s Facebook account! Do people want to be caught? I just don’t get it, and as I said in an earlier post, it still seems to be a fun kind of toy for people to play with. They can probably use a site for affairs, like Ashley Madison or something, but those sorts of things aren’t free. So now we are talking about CHEAP cheaters. My favorite!

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I actually saved an entire conversation with someone I had on Tinder who I recognized as a mutual friend from many years ago. The last I heard, he was married with a kid, but seeing him on the app made me think that his status had changed. But no. Being completely candid – I will say that I only realized about halfway through our discussion, that his photo (from his Facebook profile of course) is with his wife. A few days after this conversation, I noticed that he had changed his Facebook picture to just one of himself, alone. Interesting.

Without further adeau, a Tinder transcript between the “happily married” man (henceforth, referred to as “HMM”) and I:

HMM: Hey
ME: Hey. You recognize me, right?
HMM: Yeah lol
HMM: What r u doing on here? Lol
ME: Haha – just making sure. We know basically all of the same people. I thought you were married 🙂
HMM: I am married.
HMM: Lol
HMM: R u a tatle tale
ME: So what are you doing on here?!?
HMM: Just passing the time
HMM: I don’t get involved
ME: I’m not a tattle tale. I’m single.
HMM: I know
ME: So that’s why I’m here.
HMM: So this is really for single ppl to hook up right?
HMM: Right, I just wanted to see what all the fuss what about
HMM: I’m happily married
HMM: 🙂
HMM: Any cool guys on here or are they all freaks? Lol
ME: Hmmm ok. I’ve met some decent ones and I’m certainly not looking for random hook-ups. I can typically sniff out the freaks.
HMM: Haha
HMM: Yeah
HMM: Good for you
HMM: That’s cool*
HMM: I literally just downloaded this with my single coworker sitting next to me right now
HMM: Lol
HMM: But I can see this getting me into trouble!!!!
HMM: Not my thing!
HMM: How r u anyways?
HMM: Loooooong time
ME: I’m good. I can see how it can be interesting.
HMM: So let me ask you something?
HMM: Just between us?
ME: Ok.
HMM: Promise?
ME: Ok.
HMM: Why did you click on me? Lol
ME: I thought maybe you were single if you were on here. Lots of people get married and then divorced.
HMM: Right
HMM: Ok
HMM: Lol
HMM: Good luck
HMM: 🙂

And then I blocked him.

Let’s all hope that he was being sincere by telling me he was using a dating / “hook-up” app to pass the work day, shall we?

*Sadly, I missed taking a screenshot of the piece of the conversation where he tells me I look great and that I should have no problem finding someone. You know – ‘cause I’m on the app for ego stroking from a married man.

Tales of the Tinder: “Tinderella” and Paranoia

Being a modern lady, I believe that it is my duty to try out the latest platform for singles to meet. For those of you who are not familiar with it, Tinder is an app that connects your Facebook “About Me” section along with your Facebook photos to create a geo-tagged profile page for you. Once a profile is created, you can search for people by gender, age and distance from you. Two people will not be able to communicate with each other until they both choose to like each other or “swipe right” on each other’s profiles. More questions? Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I will cover every detail at some point.

A few notes on Tinder for the paranoid / non-single / “happily married”:

– Um, no Facebook doesn’t tell everyone that you’re a loser searching online for dates

– It’s really not that interesting – and works pretty much like every other online dating site – meaning you still have to filter out the crazies. Yet, for some reason – everyone I know is dying to check it out like it’s a new toy that they want to play with – how did that happen?

– In my opinion, it is solely based on photos, and I’m okay with that. Those who are on it and complain about that factor should use another site or app. The people who argue against the “superficial” nature of Tinder are most likely the same people who say they “hate talking about themselves” in their written profiles and direct users to “just ask if you want to know anything else” on other sites.

– It is for people who are looking to hook up or date! If you have a profile on there, don’t tell me you are just “peeking around.” More on those winners in a bit..

This eye-opening video was sent to me by a co-worker who claimed that, as a blogger that writes about dating, it is my duty to view, share and emphasize the fact that, in general, like EVERY OTHER ONLINE DATING SITE, men certainly do view Tinder differently than women:

Like I said: filter out the crazies. More to come!