Prince Charming Ain’t Here

This story is hilarious, and I’m glad the woman who experienced this was able to laugh about it. I’ve tried to find the exact words to tell clueless morons how ridiculous they are without looking like the proverbial “bitter single girl.” Never worked for me —

tinder

The things that people say behind the protection of an electronic screen, huh?

How about this amazing individual who took his introduction to my single female cousin as an invitation to make her a victim in a horror movie?

photoshopped skin dude

Are you still asking why online dating is not fun and a huge pain in the butt, as well as emotionally draining?!

Okay, fine – here’s another one that gave me a giggle. I sincerely hope it is real:

ex

More where that came from – stay tuned!

What Planet Do You Live On?

Look at the incredible way that Marilyn Manson Junior has introduced himself into my heart!

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And I was excited to see that this gentleman is so free with his bodily functions that he uses a photo to demonstrate that on Tinder:

photo

But then I considered going out with him:

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(I’m not even sure what his message said – I was laughing too hard at his main photo).

But most importantly, do you guys think I should take advantage of this offer?

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We can “even get coffee”!! Jackpot.

The Flue was Lubricated and They had Gone on About Six Dates

I would like to personally thank KTLA for covering this hard-hitting story and deterring even more would-be “normal” members of online dating sites. Just because this woman felt like doing a Santa Claus impression with her new man (in her head only) doesn’t mean all site members are twisted and think entering someone’s home via chimney is appropriate:

Incidentally, how creative is this image as a dating profile pic?

thousand-oaks-chimney-101914

Full text available here: http://ktla.com/2014/10/19/firefighters-rescue-woman-trapped-in-chimney-at-thousand-oaks-home/

General Online Dating Profile Writing Tips

Online dating can be stressful for a variety of reasons. One of the main causes of this stress can be the information that is presented on profiles. There is a wide range of problems that can exist in the text portion of one’s profile but I think the worst offense is not including any text at all.

All of us can treat the categories and requests on the online forms with deference and make fun of them for being cheesy or lame questions, but they are there to help us explain who we are and to understand what we are looking for. If someone leaves their profile blank, I typically assume they are either on the site just to be creepy and stalk others or they have something to hide. In other words, I will not be in contact with them.

Erring on the side of the extremely cynical dater, I offer a few tips to those who want to actually have a conversation and / or date people they meet online:

– Take the time to fill out the “about me” section. Give yourself a goal of at least 2 sentences.

– Think about the type of person you would like to attract and what you would want to know about them, and offer your own info in that realm

dating biz card

– DON’T EVER TYPE THIS SENTENCE ON YOUR PROFILE: “Anything you want to know, just ask.” Besides being grammatically incorrect (oops – poking at bad writing again — can’t help it), an invitation to interview you is not appealing.

– Understand that an online dating profile is not a private document meant to offer your deepest emotions and history. It is there to offer a general idea of the type of person you are and what you are looking for.

– (Try and) be honest. Like the rest of this post, this should go without saying, but a few personal pieces of data can show that you are putting some thought into online dating and interested in getting to know others.

Outside of the obviously disturbing / eerie profiles, blank ones are probably the worst kinds. Please take the time to fill at least some of it out. Show the rest of us that you are not only a good person to connect with but also one that is literate!

Online Dating Oracle

I met Jason on Tinder. He kept everything polite and simple, and miraculously kept a normal conversation going without yelling at me or sending me a penis pic. Amusingly enough, I gauged his sense of humor by asking him to avoid yelling at me or sending inappropriate crotch images and he smoothly responded that of course he wouldn’t do that – but I had to make the same promise to him. Jason was a laugh riot!

To make an even better impression, Jason chose a place to meet that was exactly halfway between each of our apartments. Once we met up, I was pretty impressed by his appearance – he (thankfully) looked very much like his online photos, was well-dressed and had a great smile.

Jason worked as a sommelier and found a great wine bar for us to go to. That place turned out to be too crowded so we walked down the street and found another one. Once we got settled at the second-rate wine spot, our conversation went well. I could tell immediately that there wasn’t that much chemistry between the two of us, but he was easy to speak to. After Jason turned his nose up at my wine order (Prosecco is a favorite – stop judging), and described why champagne is better, I asked him why he moved from one part of the city to the other just to make conversation. As it turned out, he moved when he broke up with a girlfriend he had lived with for a seemingly long time. And this is how the conversation progressed:

Me: So did you just start dating again?

Jason: Yes. The day you started talking to me on Tinder was the day I put my profile up.

Me: And you’ve never been on an online date before?!?!?

Jason: No – I guess I haven’t.

Me: But you were so cool with my warning about not sending me any profane photos or texts!?

Jason: I just figured I would follow your lead?

Me: So…you’re not really aware of all of the weirdness that can happen between two people who know nothing about one another outside of a few photographs and texting?

Jason: What do you mean?

What followed after that was a general speech from yours truly about what to avoid when finding oneself in the online dating pool. I covered everything from strategically-taken selfies to stalkers to angry obsessions.

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…”

“And let me tell you another thing about these freaky online daters…” http://matrix.wikia.com/wiki/The_Oracle

Doesn’t this guy watch Online Rituals of the American Male religiously like I do?! Come to think of it, does anyone watch that show besides me? I must’ve gotten lost in my own head for a bit (that one glass of horrendous carbonated wine must’ve done it) and I then came back to reality.

Me: Sorry – I’ve done online dating for a while, so I tend to have a lot to say about it.

Jason: No…that’s okay. These are things I should know I guess.

It’s a good thing I didn’t feel much of a connection to Jason because his offer to go on a wine-tasting tour on our next date never happened. He never got in touch with me after my crash-course in online dating and in retrospect, I don’t really blame him.

How can he even compete with my vast experience?

Note to self: On your next date, don’t get into a screaming tirade about online molesters when trying to impress someone with your breezy smile. Heh.

What’s That?

Online-Dating-Someecards

Here are some of my favorite e-mail* exchanges from the past few weeks:

Profile: nice man like to lungh coofee the city to listen and gentel 🙂 and funny

(nothing else is filled in on his profile and he has approximately 8 photos of himself most likely taken on the same day in front of what looks like a hotel in shorts and flip-flops)

E-mail Exchange:

Gentel:
Hey beautiful haw r u haw is u day going on

I was tempted to type “Virrry wel, thunk u – Hawt STUF,” but I just couldn’t bare it. Next…

*

From what I can tell from his profile, the following “Gentleman” is 10 years my junior, and smaller than me…if any of his pics or details are real:

E-mail Exchange:

Junior:
hey how are you doing? i know its random, but have you ever taken a guys virginity before? i ask because i’m still a virgin and I would love to loose it with an older woman

Me:
Oh yeah – all the time. That’s exactly why I’m on this site.

Junior:
😦 ok

Me:
I’m sorry – what exactly would be an answer that you are looking for??

Junior:
I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t thinking much, sorry. I’m really not a bad guy though

Me:
All righty then.

Junior:
I would love to get to know you more

Me:
I’m sure you do. Maybe another “older woman” will swoon from that incredible introduction. I wish you well.

Junior:
😦 did I ever have a chance at getting to know you? Whatever I would write you probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk with me. I’m happy I at least got a response from you

Me:
That’s great! Take care.

And a miraculous thing happened. He didn’t send me a penis pic and left me alone. I know…I’m still shocked.

*

Profile: consists of one photo – a selfie – of my admirer looking off-webcam and extremely pissed off.

E-mail Exchange:

Angry Selfie:
You remind me of my exigirlfriend…

Me:
That’s a wonderful intro.

Angry Selfie:
Lol would you like to meet for a drink ?

Oh silly boy – maybe if you put in like 1% of effort, someone would agree to meet your angry face for a beverage.

*Spelling and grammatical choices have been preserved for authenticity

Single Jewish People Need More Alternatives?

So I found this in my Twitter feed the other day:

http://time.com/70401/theres-now-a-wide-selection-of-tinder-alternatives-for-jewish-singles/

Not only am I disgusted that:

1. Someone actually took the time to write this for Time and got paid for it

2. An adorable dog was humiliated for the main photo

3. There are more overused Jewish puns in here than I have ever seen before

jewish dog

But the Jewish alternative for Tinder already exists. It’s called Coffee Meets Bagel*. It’s just as, if not even more ridiculous than this article.

*Okay so the Coffee Meets Bagel app is not specifically for Jewish people, but those are the only people who I have seen on there. It is basically the ugliest J-Date members on Facebook. If that’s your thing, then go for it!