Misspellings, Maintenance Man and Mediocre Music

Have you heard of a dating app called “Once”? Well I was innocently listening to one of my NON-ad-free Pandora stations one day and it was advertised as the latest tool in online dating that involves a “custom matchmaker” and unique matches for each user on a daily basis. It seems that my counterpart – “Smitten” – likes to tout it. But she probably got paid for that.

I should have known that it wasn’t exactly a match after every single text message that Jason* sent my way had at least one horrible misspelling in it.

I should have also known that it wasn’t going to work out when I was telling him about my planned move to a new apartment. While he did live in the suburbs of New York City, I assumed he had a grasp on how human beings function. In fact, he did not. And both of these quotes came from him via text (and he wasn’t being sarcastic):

–“Wait, there’s a Home Depot in Manhattan?!? Why?”

–“I thought everyone that lived in the city had their own maintenance man.”

I didn’t know how to respond to each of those items without asking him if he was being serious several times. I also doubt that this guy ever left his house to go anywhere beside his local bowling alley or to find new items to shred with his Veggetti (both of which he texted about in misspelled words daily)

veggetti

But okay – he was attentive and was keeping our correspondence going so I continued to keep in touch. We planned to meet in the “big city” and I even continued to talk to him when he suggested we meet in the middle of Times Square. Yeah – I like torturing myself I guess.

Thankfully, we met for lunch at a place not located in Times Square and he spoke in person better than he texted, but of course, he didn’t really resemble the fit guy in his photos. I felt zero chemistry as we chatted over our meals and any semblance of a bond with Jason stopped short when Pandora (the music app mentioned above) came up. I innocently asked him who his favorite singer / band is.

“Shania Twain. Well…followed closely by Faith Hill.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking to a sassy 55 year old female in 1994.

Well, that wasn’t my response but I did snort and then ask him who he really listened to. He told me how many times he had seen each of them in concert, how much of their careers he had followed, Shania’s big “comeback”…and so forth. In pure Notsosmitten style, he was also extremely defensive of each singer and their extraordinary talents.

Everything following that topic was a blur, and when we parted ways, I went to Home Depot.

Shania-Twain-Faith-Hill-were-all-smiles

* Not his real name mainly because I can’t remember his real name and I’m kind of proud of that.

What Planet do you Live On? Part 4 – Interesting Ways of Reaching Out

As you know, I often skip around the timelines of my illustrious dating life to talk about some of my experiences when I feel most capable of explaining every detail. Lately, I’ve been in a deep funk of frustration and it seems that no one on the other end of my Wifi can figure out how to keep a conversation going…if they are capable of even starting one. It has come to the point that when someone messages me and says, “What kind of dog do you have?” as their introduction, my go-to answer is now “Oh, he’s a Go f*ck yourself… EVER HEAR OF THAT breed!!!??” I know…it’s mean…but look what I have to deal with:

Check out this sultry intro:

LARRY
Everyone say “hi” to Larry and take comfort in the fact that my snarky responses are not just on this blog.

Then there’s…Mister Mr. Oh, you did read that correctly. I enjoyed this guy’s inflated ego almost as much as his screen name. Unfortunately, I think the irony goes unnoticed by him. It also pains me to think that he had to steal jokes from everyone under the sun to put together his uninspired bio:

mistermr profile

The hot dog reference is from one of the best scenes of “Father of the Bride” and needs to remain there. He also messed up the numbers of hot dogs and buns in the joke, but I’m not really surprised about that. I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when a crappy cover band performs one of your favorite songs of all time and does it horribly. Don’t mess with classic feature film comedy, dude.

So, as I was thinking fondly about the actual movie (“Who’s George Banks?!?”), Mister Mr noticed that I checked out said bio and sent me this “message”:

mrmister

Oh yeah…totally making it happen. I don’t know how he’d fit me into his busy schedule of “having sex” and “finding Waldo.” I bet he does make it happen with some women who think he’s a charming, direct New Yorker, and those women have even less of a clue than I do. That’s why I don’t feel guilty about telling you he’s a comedic thief.

I hope you, my fair readers, at least remember the amazing 80s band by an almost identical name: Mr. Mister. They created this work of genius:

“Broken Wings” stuck in your head now? Good, it is a classic. You are welcome.

What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

Conversations With My Cousin: Magnetism for the Maniac

There are many times when I wonder if it is just me…am I the only one receiving the weirdest messages from the most disturbed individuals on the Internet? Or am I the one that is too critical and not giving the right people a chance?

Then I hear from my cousin and somehow everything equalizes. A very smart and beautiful female of a similar age who works full-time, living in a different region* of the U.S., she often finds some real winners as well. Here are some that she has shared with me, instead of deleting immediately and setting her profile, phone and computer on fire, which is typically my first instinct:

looklikeyourdadmatch

What would they chat about? His own personal daddy issues?

falloutofheavenmatch

And then…what? She vomits?

ifyouwereafruit

WTF???

Maybe it is in our blood…some sort of pull that we have on the crazy. Here’s a recent text exchange we had:

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* This post is dedicated to the people who tell me how my dating issues would be solved if I left New York. Uh huh.

Going Dutch with the Irish

Peter was the first guy I met in person through Tinder. In hindsight, he should have been the last, but what can you do? He was polite, good-looking in his photos and actually asked me if I wanted to meet up with him at a normal, public place. He was around my age, employed and had come to live in the U.S. several years ago from Ireland. So yes – you guessed it – Peter really liked to drink. When he selected a “pub” for us to meet at after work I was delighted…only because he called it a “pub.” The place was a tourist trap smack in midtown, but it was convenient for both of us and I just went with it.

In person, Peter spoke with the adorable Irish accent I was hoping he had and was reasonably attractive. Our time together was relatively unscathed. I wouldn’t say that there was much chemistry, but it wasn’t painful. We must’ve been sitting at a small table together for approximately two hours, and I believe that for the 2 drinks I had, Peter had downed 5 pints of beer. This fact alone did not bother me, and neither did the fact that he mentioned that he had two cars “at his house in Virginia” at least twice. I thought it was interesting that he had a home in Queens, New York as well as Virginia. I did find it a bit odd for him to mention the stuff that he bought for his ex-girlfriend more than once – that being the expensive concert tickets and jewelry he had purchased for her. So there were a few topics that started out innocently, that ended with Peter declaring that he spent too much money on his ex-girlfriend. That was only multiplied when our date came to a close because Peter was meeting “friends for more pints” and asked for the check.

Here’s my favorite part…Peter had the check for my two drinks and his 5 pints in his hand and after mentioning his 1) two cars 2) two homes in the U.S. (one additional home in Ireland) and 3) his materialistic ex-girlfriend…he declared the amount of money I owed for half of the bill.  I guess this is not such a big deal to some people.  I found it appalling and per usual, I couldn’t hold back my reaction. Maybe my expectations are too high…wanting a man to pay for my drinks on our first date. My jaw just hung open after he said that, to which he responded, “Oh no…what did I do? What’s wrong?!” And I told him the issue. And he wasn’t even fazed, and told me to forget he said to split the bill, which of course just inspired me to pay my own way. I made sure he accepted my $20 bill in my “I’m a strong woman who can afford two drinks, you dipshit” way.

This is exactly what our date DIDN'T look like.

This is exactly what our date DIDN’T look like.

You might think that with Peter’s complaints of past experiences and logical frugality on first dates that I would be turned off. I probably was, but still wanted attention (and to pay my own way for dates?) and to hear from him again. We texted a few more times after that but he eventually stopped.

At least his rejection helped me save some cash.

What Planet Do You Live On? – Part 2

Good news – more yumminess for you! Check out some of these amazing specimens I’ve peeped during my online activities. Let’s start with this guy’s endearing description of what he’s looking for in a potential Tinder mate:

IMG_0425 #sexybowtie is right! At least he’s wearing his seat belt.

I wasn’t sure if it competed with this guy’s bathroom selfie:

IMG_0363

To be a dude that walked into the public restroom to catch him strategically making a muscle and taking that photo – that would have been great.

Believe it or not, there are tons of photos like this embedded in online profiles:

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Image cropping is not too difficult, especially if you know how to scratch out another person’s face, leave a white blob and an outline where they once appeared. Foreshadowing?

And finally…I just don’t believe this is real:

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I always wanted an authentic bolero jacket…Olé!