Tales of the Tinder: “Tinderella” and Paranoia

Being a modern lady, I believe that it is my duty to try out the latest platform for singles to meet. For those of you who are not familiar with it, Tinder is an app that connects your Facebook “About Me” section along with your Facebook photos to create a geo-tagged profile page for you. Once a profile is created, you can search for people by gender, age and distance from you. Two people will not be able to communicate with each other until they both choose to like each other or “swipe right” on each other’s profiles. More questions? Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I will cover every detail at some point.

A few notes on Tinder for the paranoid / non-single / “happily married”:

– Um, no Facebook doesn’t tell everyone that you’re a loser searching online for dates

– It’s really not that interesting – and works pretty much like every other online dating site – meaning you still have to filter out the crazies. Yet, for some reason – everyone I know is dying to check it out like it’s a new toy that they want to play with – how did that happen?

– In my opinion, it is solely based on photos, and I’m okay with that. Those who are on it and complain about that factor should use another site or app. The people who argue against the “superficial” nature of Tinder are most likely the same people who say they “hate talking about themselves” in their written profiles and direct users to “just ask if you want to know anything else” on other sites.

– It is for people who are looking to hook up or date! If you have a profile on there, don’t tell me you are just “peeking around.” More on those winners in a bit..

This eye-opening video was sent to me by a co-worker who claimed that, as a blogger that writes about dating, it is my duty to view, share and emphasize the fact that, in general, like EVERY OTHER ONLINE DATING SITE, men certainly do view Tinder differently than women:

Like I said: filter out the crazies. More to come!

Bob

Forget about people you get along with, who seem to be a great match for you and then disappear for no obvious reason whatsoever. Nevermind the blatantly WRONG people who swim in the contaminated pool of online dating. Sometimes the smallest details can hinder the beginnings of a romance.

Bob had so much promise. He looked like a meatier guy than I’m used to in his profile pics, but by no means obese or sickly. He had a cute face, a good job and was very friendly in our correspondence. After a few days of pleasant texting, we decided to talk on the phone. He told me that he had a cold for the past few days, but was feeling a lot better and would give me a call as we had planned.

know, no

Source: http://homophonesweakly.blogspot.com/2013/03/meatier-meteor.html
(Side note – it’s embarrassing that English-speaking people confuse these two words!)

The first issue was that he sounded TERRIBLE. His voice was really scratchy and it sounded really difficult for him to get his words out. Yet, he told me he was doing great and I could decipher his words so we started talking. I think we first started talking about working out, since I had been at the gym earlier and I attempted to break the ice by making fun of sweating while on the treadmill. Bob told me that he took salsa lessons every week and was starting to get good at it (it had been a bet between he and his brother if he would go, and he ended up liking it) which I enjoyed hearing. What I didn’t enjoy hearing about was the “soaking wet” body he had in his dancing clothes when dancing, and how he never thought it would be such a good work-out. I give Bob a lot of credit for dancing with strangers, but I just couldn’t get the image of a large man making scratchy sounds while doing salsa steps in two t-shirts that he had soaked through out of my mind once he shared that with me.

Sweating_guy-1
Source: http://reedcar.wordpress.com/

After the sweating, we started talking about where we each live. It was then that Bob casually mentioned that he didn’t live in Queens, as he listed in his profile, but spent most of his time in Delaware at his parents’ house. He still rented the place in Queens for work, but was planning on getting rid of it soon. I thought, “so what the heck is he talking to me for?!” Delaware is not exactly next door to New York City. I didn’t say anything about that, considering we didn’t know each other but I was sufficiently confused and his coughing started to increase.
This wasn’t the soul-singing deep voice that some people get when they get sick:

This dude sounded like he had gotten into a fist fight with a large cow…and then he swallowed the cow…but some of it was still stuck in his throat. Sexy, isn’t it? Anyway, after he said a few words, he would crumble into a coughing spell to the point that I was on the other end, genuinely concerned for him, asking “are you okay?!?” to which he would skip a beat, and say “yep, I’m fine.”

I’m pretty sure the finale was his largest coughing fit of the call, where I believe he spit something out at the end (cow hide?). Being who I am, I couldn’t help the sarcastic “that’s sexy” comment to come flying out of my mouth. Well, Bob was amused by that as well, starting laughing which caused more coughing. That was when I said I was going to let him get off the phone…and get first aid or something.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression, even on the phone. I’ve screwed things up on my own enough to know that. I hope Bob’s cough went away and he’s enjoying sweaty salsa in our first state. That’s what Delaware’s known for, right?

My Miniature South African and his Love of Anything Cultural

Oh Gavin, you were absolutely perfect on paper…or on my computer screen, as it were.

“Why haven’t I written to you sooner?” was the first sentence of my response to the gallant message that Gavin, the South African psychologist (yes, you read that right) penned for me via JDate.

He was charming, educated and looked really handsome in his photos. Gavin seemed to be a dream come true. But pssh, I’ve dealt with that one before. I wasn’t going to get ahead of myself. Well…besides imagining how cute our half South African babies would be and all of the international traveling our whole future family would be doing…

He chose a cute wine bar that is less than a 5 minute walk from my office. If I remember correctly, Gavin was already at a table when I got there. First detail I noted was that he definitely wasn’t as handsome and was definitely a few inches shorter than he appeared to be in his profile photos. But he wasn’t necessarily bad looking, had that awesome South African accent…and a J-O-B! It was a bit intimidating that he worked to evaluate and treat inmates with psychological and mental care at a very well-known prison in the tri-state area. But hey – we all have to make a buck.

So, while he wasn’t as physically attractive as I thought, he did have a brain that he actually used in dialogue. It was the beginning of September when we had our date and the upcoming Jewish holidays were brought up (by him). I’m pretty sure he asked me how I would be celebrating the Jewish New Year. I think that is the case because when I replied that I will be celebrating with some of the usual family members, then asked what his plans were, his reply was, “We will Tashlich and do the Selichot with our Machzor. It should be a joyous yontif.”

So I just sipped my wine. Wow, I thought, this guy is really Jewish. He just spoke in mostly Yiddish and I have no idea what he said.

We had also ordered a selection of cheeses at the bar, and as with literally any cheese product I eat, all of them were delicious. I made a comment about how tasty the cheese was and Gavin’s reply was, “Oh I know – I love this epoisses. It tastes like it’s by Isigny Sainte Mere – but I’m not sure, are you? I have another type of this at home. I keep it with my challerhocker in the fromage decoupage.”

Crickets.

gavin

http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/920325

Once again, I had no reply. Who the heck knows the names of all of the fancy cheeses and has them in their home? I have always been a “curd nerd,” thinking that any cheese type will do. Packaged American cheese slices? Delish! String cheese? Great for breakfast. Basically, anything. But this fancy talk was way over my [cheese] head.

I think at some point, Gavin decided that he couldn’t accept my ignorance because our parting was final and I never heard from him again. He might have left his psychologist gig (which – by the way – would have been really interesting to learn about – had he brought it up!) and became a cheese instructor for the Yiddish…Who knows.

Gay ga zinta hate.

When ‘Awkward’ Doesn’t Quite Cut It*

Imagine having an extremely “proper” person as one of your colleagues. Also imagine, if you will, being in constant fear of doing your job incorrectly and being negatively judged by said colleague for…well…for pretty much everything.

Now I would like you to envision yourself showing this boss a technical diagram you having been working with for a project on your laptop. You might also be the same person who creates, manages and edits content for this blog on the same laptop…all in one general folder.
The colleague leans closer to your screen, while standing behind you and clicks a few buttons to get a better look.

“Oh, whoops!” he exclaims. “I’m so sorry.”

You quickly look over and see the following image encompassing your entire laptop screen:

nice profile pic 12

Of course you turn bright red and aggressively stutter that there is no way that the photo is being used for anything other than snarky amusement and you don’t even know the guy (a comment that always helps)! But the damage has already been done. And then he attempts to tell you a completely unrelated story about how one of his co-workers once saw a photo of his lunch or something on his computer. Which just makes the current experience even worse.

You just lived as me for a bit. How does it feel?

* Special thanks to Amanda for assuring me that a short tweet can be converted into an informative blog post.

Sneakers: The Pathway into My Heart

Many years ago, I was out shopping with a few of my friends and we went into a sporting goods store so I can try on and purchase a new pair of sneakers. I don’t remember much about the footwear, other than the fact that they were Nike and I liked them and made my purchase pretty quickly.

sneaker salesman
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2276941/Dont-Nike-salesman-sacked-job-trying-sell-old-company-issue-trainers-Facebook.html

Months had passed since the day of purchase and I found myself cleaning out a bunch of junk from my closet one evening. I discovered the Nike box that my sneakers had come home in and opened it to see if I had put anything inside of it before throwing it away. Right before I closed it, I caught a glimpse of a small piece of thick white oak tag – the kind of material used for price tags – with some writing on it. Here is what it said, scribed in block letters with a Sharpie marker:

“If you free, beep me at 917-123-4567. Your code is 0123.” *

1312430137_beeper
http://1day-at-a-time.blogspot.com/2008/02/pagers-beepers-from-not-too-long-ago.html

I had no recollection of the person who helped me with my sneakers, nor did I have any idea if that person was actually the guy who slipped me this romantic message. Come to think of it, this person may not have been a guy at all. The note may have not even been for me – maybe it was a code written for someone else. In any case, I was completely horrified that someone had taken such a chance with love, and never did beep that…person. I had forgotten that this even happened for a long time and the memory recently came back to me, and got me wondering.

This sneaker salesperson wasn’t taking much more of a risk than anyone ever has when presenting their photos and personal details within an online dating site. He might have done this with every pair of sneakers he sold and just waited for someone to actually beep him. It’s an easy way to meet girls without having to look in their eyes and subject yourself to rejection. Kind of like the proverbial “wink” on match.com or sending the menorah of interest or whatever people do on jdate.com these days…

I should have kept that little piece of paper. It would have been fun to see if the beeper was still hooked up.

* Sorry, I don’t remember the actual numbers written. But yes, I do remember his impeccable grammar.

I’m no Annie, but you’re no Tony Micelli: My Very First Online Blind Date

Anyone remember when there were no profile pictures available on dating sites, and that was kind of okay, because the Interwebs and everything it could possibly offer was very new? During that infancy, I went on one blind date with someone I met in some sort of single chat room…or something. I honestly don’t remember how we started talking, but we did and it was a great learning experience, so stop judging me.

Brian was a very new officer for the NYPD and I believe he had just graduated from the academy within the same year that we met. We spoke on the phone and decided to meet near my temp job at the time and go to the movies. ‘Cause…you know…a dark movie theater is a great place to get to know a stranger.

I remember getting out of work and being extremely attentive to every guy with brown hair and eyes who looked to be in my age range. I didn’t really know what Brian looked like other than hair and eye color, and that he was “built.” I must’ve looked really intense as I walked down the cold streets of the city toward our meeting spot, because a pretty attractive guy walked up to me smiling and I said, “Brian?” and he responded, “Nope.” WEIRD – was I imagining him walking up to me or was he just nuts? “Okay, sorry,” I sputtered awkwardly, as I kept walking.

I arrived at the front of the movie theater and there he was. George Costanza. He certainly had brown eyes and hair, but I had never seen someone who looked more like Jason Alexander to date. He was a little shorter, with bigger man-boobs. And he was definitely fit but the bulging chest muscles (aforementioned “man-boobs” were made of muscle) didn’t match up with anything else on his body. And I’m sorry but I’ve never found George to be attractive. With permanently crinkled eyes behind round glasses and a slight separation of his thin pasty lips, he confirmed that he was, indeed, Brian. Great.

After getting tickets for our movie, we went to a café to pass some time before it started. I specifically remember Brian telling me that since I told him my hair was very curly and reddish-brown, he thought I would resemble orphan Annie. He was disappointed that I didn’t resemble her, and he made that very clear. I apologized for not having short cheddar cheese-colored curls and causing such disillusionment, which didn’t seem to make either of us any more comfortable.

aileen-quinn-little-orphan-annie

Brian’s dream date. How creepy.

Photo Credit: http://i1.wp.com/pgoaamericanprofile2.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/aileen-quinn-little-orphan-annie.jpg

We sat at the café, and thumbs up to Brian, who was bitter about my lack of banana curls, yet still attempted to make conversation. Each time he did this, his thin lips separated with a smacking sound and foam developed on the corners of his mouth. If that detail doesn’t turn you on, think about a body builder alternating his pec twitching to show off a unique physique. I specifically remember Tony Danza (aka: Tony Micelli) doing this on “Who’s the Boss” once in a while. To summarize, I was on my first ever online blind date and he looked like George Costanza enduring a mild seizure. I believe he thought he looked like a buff Italian guy like Tony Micelli who had the right to judge my appearance…but I’m only speculating.

A little while later, Brian and I sat in the movie theater and made some more small talk. It was during this time that Brian confessed that some of his buddies at the (police) academy mentioned that he somewhat resembles George Costanza.

No shit. I didn’t think you “resembled” him. I thought you literally were him.

But I didn’t say that. I feigned surprise and giggled a little bit and we moved forward.

Beyond the fact that I spent my very first online blind date with a Seinfeld caricature with a freakishly big chest and mouth foam, I have to also say that Patch Adams might be one of the worst movies of all time.

So it was a success all around.

Brian (posing with Judith Light):

micelli and costanza mix

Photo Credits: http://www.ivillage.com/hottest-tv-dads/1-a-531543; http://replygif.net/thumbnail/243.gif

Nice Profile Pic – Part 2

Just to remind you that these images have been plucked straight from the main / sole profile shots of many of the supposedly available men in the tri-state area. I know; I’m really confused as well.

nice profile pic 6

I like a good sweatpants, sweatshirt and hood pic. Especially when it covers the actual person up and you can’t really see what they actually look like. Thanks, Rocky Balboa.

nice profile pic 7

Why is the teddy bear taller than the girl? And why is she in need of a hug? And why am I asking these questions? Idiots…

nice profile pic 9

I love me some Rainbow Connection and I’m a huge Muppet fan in general. This kind of tugged at my heart-strings, but Kermie just looks a bit tuckered out…probably not good dating material for now. What is on the other side?

nice profile pic 8

This pic basically means that this person is a chocolate starfish, right? Umm, great way to get click-throughs…or a lot of automatic hatred…

nice profile pic 10

I’ve been trying to think of something substantial to say about this pic for weeks. Something even more substantial than this guy’s hair. Maybe you can help me out?

Nice Profile Pic

When casting a wide net in collecting possibilities for online dates, a good rule of thumb is to start out with some great photos of one’s self. After all, most people on such sites don’t take the time to actually read the text of one’s profile and base their opinions purely on the images provided.

And with that, I decided to start a little examination of the profile photos I see during my regular perusals of the online dating scene. Take a gander, and be advised that the majority of these photos are either the primary or the only photo attached to the profiles of these possible suitors…

nice profile pic

I love a good smartphone selfie in the bathroom mirror as much as anyone else, but if you’re going to use it to represent yourself, you might want to make sure your face is shown.

nice profile pic 5

Funny – but I’m thinking this isn’t the dude I would be talking to online?

nice profile pic 4

Uh, yeah, it would be nice if there even was an image in place of this important hipster message.

nice profile pic 3

I always look for a guy who takes good pictures of citrus. Awesome.

nice profile pic 2

This person knows what women fantasize about. And he wants everyone to know how creative he is with those fantasies in mind. Too bad his bikini underwear is an ugly neutral color. Otherwise, I’d be all over this.

By the way, I love when the sassy boys on online dating sites say that they don’t like “fish-face” or “extreme close-up” photos that girls post, since it means that the girl will be bigger or not-as-attractive in person. To those hotties, I say: Point taken. Yet, you should take take your own advice and avoid standing in front of the toilet for your own glamour shots, loser.

More pics to come…(get excited!)

Jew Talkin’ to Me?

Newsflash: I am Jewish. My religion doesn’t define who I am, and I make it very clear on my online dating profile(s) that I am open to dating people who are of a different faith than me. While I understand that religion is a very powerful / sensitive topic for many people, I don’t think that it’s the first topic to bring up when introducing yourself to someone. So it was pretty surprising for me when I received messages about my religion from not one, but 3 different people in a matter of one week. “Oh, well you were probably on that crappy free site,” one might suggest. No, friends. All 3 of these treasured interactions took place on – surprise, surprise – match.com within a 5 day span.

Unfortunately, I waited too long to scribe this and the site actually deleted one of the messages so I cannot share it with you as I viewed it. I can tell you with 100% truth that the subject of the message was “Shalom Bubby,” and the body of the message – scattered just like the brain of the jerk who wrote it – referenced Judaism more than once. If the guy was trying to be smart or funny with his Jewish comments in a self-deprecating or snarky way like Jackie Mason or Woody Allen, then I may have let that slide, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I’m not even sure if he is 100% human.

mason
(Sex on a stick)

http://www.arrowfilms.co.uk/index.php?tle_id=393&art_id=5&s=bbf8abf989a911a568032954eda739b2

Okay, so one crazy guy with a weird message – nothing new, right? The second experience occurred a day or two later. It involved a wink from a decent-looking and cool-seeming guy named “Edward781.” I winked back at him and was excited to see a message from him pop up soon after:

“Check out ‘otherguy123.’”

That’s all his message said. I responded to Edward 781, thanking him for an introduction and though I had no idea what he was talking about, to have a good night. His response:

“Well ‘otherguy123’ is Jewish, so I thought you would like him.”

I was floored. My response to that:
“Huh? Didn’t we wink at each other? Does my profile say I only date Jewish people?”

Edward 781:

“Ha, yeah. So where do you live?”

I don’t know if he was joking or was ignorant enough to think that he didn’t insult me. I drafted several answers after that but ended up just ignoring him. And furthermore, we both live in NEW YORK CITY, where you can find people of pretty much any faith and background on a daily basis – so why are we focusing on what I am?! As if I wasn’t astounded enough by the religious commentary I had received throughout the week, I then had another experience soon after.

I had winked at someone I found interesting and a few days later, we exchanged one e-mail each. After that, I didn’t hear back from him for a while, until I received this amazing paragraph:

“Hi, sorry I didn’t respond to your last email. Honestly there are days I want to be on here and days that I don’t feel like it. I also notice that you are Jewish and its not that I have an issue with that it’s just that I have never dated a Jewish girl and I am Catholic and while I am not some religious freak, I was raised by two parents and I still attend church that is part of who I am. So, those are the reasons why I didn’t respond earlier. Hope you are having a good day.

Gary”

My answer to him:

“You should have just held that comment to yourself. Enjoy.”

And another from him:

“Hi, I am sorry you took it the wrong way. Maybe you are right I shouldn’t have written it in an email I was just trying to put it out there as something that is a part of who I am. If you would have responded with something along the lines of ‘the difference is ok with me’ I was going to ask you if you wanted to meet up sometime in the next few days.

I am very sorry about the misunderstanding, I did not mean to be disrespectful to you.

Gary”

Oh – so had I offered Gary a specific response about being raised by two parents (clearly making him a quality individual versus anyone else in the world) as well as given him a trophy for his visits to church (or perhaps his love for the run-on sentence?), I would have been lucky enough to meet up with him. You know, because my profile, wink, and e-mail to him didn’t really bring home the “I don’t care about your religion” message. My mistake.

Some of the people who I have shared these stories with have asked me if I have tried J-Date. Well yes. Yes, I have – twice. That’s where I met Dave and Matt. The moral of this story is not for me to only attempt to date Jewish people. The real lesson here is what it always has been: There are a multitude of ways in which people can be nuts. Sticking with my “own kind” has not really helped the cause.

Denim Surveys and the Art of the Written Word

My recent correspondence on okcupid.com:

2ofakindguy:

hey there I know opposites attract so I figured we would be a perfect match, your funny, smart, in good shape, and seem witty, what more are you looking for? Let me guess a more attainable , humble, less egocentric version of Channing Tatum? Also I wanted to ask you because it looks like you’re into fashion have you ever heard of Joe’s jeans or 7 for all mankind?
mike

(I know there’s a lot of magic in this message. So much so that it makes little to no sense. If you want to read it more than once, I totally understand).

I remember receiving this exact message from this guy months earlier, but since he was still carrying out his market research, I was curious…:

Me:

You’re selling jeans on okcupid?

2ofakindguy:

lol im not selling jeans silly i was curious if you had heard of them?

Me (so silly):

Yes, I’ve heard of them.

2ofakindguy:

thats awesome good to hear that

Survey-851x1024

http://survey4u.org/

(No answer from me but awesome response from him)

2ofakindguy:

so how long have you been on this site and have you actually met anyone from here?

I didn’t write back to him, but here’s a hypothetical answer:

Well, yeah, “Mike,” I have met people on here. None of them have asked me if I ever heard of jeans companies before though…so that’s a big turn-on. So is your lack of punctuation, capital letters or any grasp of reality. Have fun with your survey results!

This was not as good as the last two e-mails I received via Match.com, and from okcupid.com, respectively:

1. how are you doing today, can i know more about you.

(the guy is 24 years older than me and lives in Texas…besides his incredible way with words).

2. you are very nice!

(23 years older than me and obviously knows what he’s talking about).

Summer’s upon us – so don’t be jealous of my latest online romances! There are tons to go around. I promise.