I’m no Annie, but you’re no Tony Micelli: My Very First Online Blind Date

Anyone remember when there were no profile pictures available on dating sites, and that was kind of okay, because the Interwebs and everything it could possibly offer was very new? During that infancy, I went on one blind date with someone I met in some sort of single chat room…or something. I honestly don’t remember how we started talking, but we did and it was a great learning experience, so stop judging me.

Brian was a very new officer for the NYPD and I believe he had just graduated from the academy within the same year that we met. We spoke on the phone and decided to meet near my temp job at the time and go to the movies. ‘Cause…you know…a dark movie theater is a great place to get to know a stranger.

I remember getting out of work and being extremely attentive to every guy with brown hair and eyes who looked to be in my age range. I didn’t really know what Brian looked like other than hair and eye color, and that he was “built.” I must’ve looked really intense as I walked down the cold streets of the city toward our meeting spot, because a pretty attractive guy walked up to me smiling and I said, “Brian?” and he responded, “Nope.” WEIRD – was I imagining him walking up to me or was he just nuts? “Okay, sorry,” I sputtered awkwardly, as I kept walking.

I arrived at the front of the movie theater and there he was. George Costanza. He certainly had brown eyes and hair, but I had never seen someone who looked more like Jason Alexander to date. He was a little shorter, with bigger man-boobs. And he was definitely fit but the bulging chest muscles (aforementioned “man-boobs” were made of muscle) didn’t match up with anything else on his body. And I’m sorry but I’ve never found George to be attractive. With permanently crinkled eyes behind round glasses and a slight separation of his thin pasty lips, he confirmed that he was, indeed, Brian. Great.

After getting tickets for our movie, we went to a café to pass some time before it started. I specifically remember Brian telling me that since I told him my hair was very curly and reddish-brown, he thought I would resemble orphan Annie. He was disappointed that I didn’t resemble her, and he made that very clear. I apologized for not having short cheddar cheese-colored curls and causing such disillusionment, which didn’t seem to make either of us any more comfortable.

aileen-quinn-little-orphan-annie

Brian’s dream date. How creepy.

Photo Credit: http://i1.wp.com/pgoaamericanprofile2.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/aileen-quinn-little-orphan-annie.jpg

We sat at the café, and thumbs up to Brian, who was bitter about my lack of banana curls, yet still attempted to make conversation. Each time he did this, his thin lips separated with a smacking sound and foam developed on the corners of his mouth. If that detail doesn’t turn you on, think about a body builder alternating his pec twitching to show off a unique physique. I specifically remember Tony Danza (aka: Tony Micelli) doing this on “Who’s the Boss” once in a while. To summarize, I was on my first ever online blind date and he looked like George Costanza enduring a mild seizure. I believe he thought he looked like a buff Italian guy like Tony Micelli who had the right to judge my appearance…but I’m only speculating.

A little while later, Brian and I sat in the movie theater and made some more small talk. It was during this time that Brian confessed that some of his buddies at the (police) academy mentioned that he somewhat resembles George Costanza.

No shit. I didn’t think you “resembled” him. I thought you literally were him.

But I didn’t say that. I feigned surprise and giggled a little bit and we moved forward.

Beyond the fact that I spent my very first online blind date with a Seinfeld caricature with a freakishly big chest and mouth foam, I have to also say that Patch Adams might be one of the worst movies of all time.

So it was a success all around.

Brian (posing with Judith Light):

micelli and costanza mix

Photo Credits: http://www.ivillage.com/hottest-tv-dads/1-a-531543; http://replygif.net/thumbnail/243.gif

Nice Profile Pic – Part 2

Just to remind you that these images have been plucked straight from the main / sole profile shots of many of the supposedly available men in the tri-state area. I know; I’m really confused as well.

nice profile pic 6

I like a good sweatpants, sweatshirt and hood pic. Especially when it covers the actual person up and you can’t really see what they actually look like. Thanks, Rocky Balboa.

nice profile pic 7

Why is the teddy bear taller than the girl? And why is she in need of a hug? And why am I asking these questions? Idiots…

nice profile pic 9

I love me some Rainbow Connection and I’m a huge Muppet fan in general. This kind of tugged at my heart-strings, but Kermie just looks a bit tuckered out…probably not good dating material for now. What is on the other side?

nice profile pic 8

This pic basically means that this person is a chocolate starfish, right? Umm, great way to get click-throughs…or a lot of automatic hatred…

nice profile pic 10

I’ve been trying to think of something substantial to say about this pic for weeks. Something even more substantial than this guy’s hair. Maybe you can help me out?

Nice Profile Pic

When casting a wide net in collecting possibilities for online dates, a good rule of thumb is to start out with some great photos of one’s self. After all, most people on such sites don’t take the time to actually read the text of one’s profile and base their opinions purely on the images provided.

And with that, I decided to start a little examination of the profile photos I see during my regular perusals of the online dating scene. Take a gander, and be advised that the majority of these photos are either the primary or the only photo attached to the profiles of these possible suitors…

nice profile pic

I love a good smartphone selfie in the bathroom mirror as much as anyone else, but if you’re going to use it to represent yourself, you might want to make sure your face is shown.

nice profile pic 5

Funny – but I’m thinking this isn’t the dude I would be talking to online?

nice profile pic 4

Uh, yeah, it would be nice if there even was an image in place of this important hipster message.

nice profile pic 3

I always look for a guy who takes good pictures of citrus. Awesome.

nice profile pic 2

This person knows what women fantasize about. And he wants everyone to know how creative he is with those fantasies in mind. Too bad his bikini underwear is an ugly neutral color. Otherwise, I’d be all over this.

By the way, I love when the sassy boys on online dating sites say that they don’t like “fish-face” or “extreme close-up” photos that girls post, since it means that the girl will be bigger or not-as-attractive in person. To those hotties, I say: Point taken. Yet, you should take take your own advice and avoid standing in front of the toilet for your own glamour shots, loser.

More pics to come…(get excited!)

Jew Talkin’ to Me?

Newsflash: I am Jewish. My religion doesn’t define who I am, and I make it very clear on my online dating profile(s) that I am open to dating people who are of a different faith than me. While I understand that religion is a very powerful / sensitive topic for many people, I don’t think that it’s the first topic to bring up when introducing yourself to someone. So it was pretty surprising for me when I received messages about my religion from not one, but 3 different people in a matter of one week. “Oh, well you were probably on that crappy free site,” one might suggest. No, friends. All 3 of these treasured interactions took place on – surprise, surprise – match.com within a 5 day span.

Unfortunately, I waited too long to scribe this and the site actually deleted one of the messages so I cannot share it with you as I viewed it. I can tell you with 100% truth that the subject of the message was “Shalom Bubby,” and the body of the message – scattered just like the brain of the jerk who wrote it – referenced Judaism more than once. If the guy was trying to be smart or funny with his Jewish comments in a self-deprecating or snarky way like Jackie Mason or Woody Allen, then I may have let that slide, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I’m not even sure if he is 100% human.

mason
(Sex on a stick)

http://www.arrowfilms.co.uk/index.php?tle_id=393&art_id=5&s=bbf8abf989a911a568032954eda739b2

Okay, so one crazy guy with a weird message – nothing new, right? The second experience occurred a day or two later. It involved a wink from a decent-looking and cool-seeming guy named “Edward781.” I winked back at him and was excited to see a message from him pop up soon after:

“Check out ‘otherguy123.’”

That’s all his message said. I responded to Edward 781, thanking him for an introduction and though I had no idea what he was talking about, to have a good night. His response:

“Well ‘otherguy123’ is Jewish, so I thought you would like him.”

I was floored. My response to that:
“Huh? Didn’t we wink at each other? Does my profile say I only date Jewish people?”

Edward 781:

“Ha, yeah. So where do you live?”

I don’t know if he was joking or was ignorant enough to think that he didn’t insult me. I drafted several answers after that but ended up just ignoring him. And furthermore, we both live in NEW YORK CITY, where you can find people of pretty much any faith and background on a daily basis – so why are we focusing on what I am?! As if I wasn’t astounded enough by the religious commentary I had received throughout the week, I then had another experience soon after.

I had winked at someone I found interesting and a few days later, we exchanged one e-mail each. After that, I didn’t hear back from him for a while, until I received this amazing paragraph:

“Hi, sorry I didn’t respond to your last email. Honestly there are days I want to be on here and days that I don’t feel like it. I also notice that you are Jewish and its not that I have an issue with that it’s just that I have never dated a Jewish girl and I am Catholic and while I am not some religious freak, I was raised by two parents and I still attend church that is part of who I am. So, those are the reasons why I didn’t respond earlier. Hope you are having a good day.

Gary”

My answer to him:

“You should have just held that comment to yourself. Enjoy.”

And another from him:

“Hi, I am sorry you took it the wrong way. Maybe you are right I shouldn’t have written it in an email I was just trying to put it out there as something that is a part of who I am. If you would have responded with something along the lines of ‘the difference is ok with me’ I was going to ask you if you wanted to meet up sometime in the next few days.

I am very sorry about the misunderstanding, I did not mean to be disrespectful to you.

Gary”

Oh – so had I offered Gary a specific response about being raised by two parents (clearly making him a quality individual versus anyone else in the world) as well as given him a trophy for his visits to church (or perhaps his love for the run-on sentence?), I would have been lucky enough to meet up with him. You know, because my profile, wink, and e-mail to him didn’t really bring home the “I don’t care about your religion” message. My mistake.

Some of the people who I have shared these stories with have asked me if I have tried J-Date. Well yes. Yes, I have – twice. That’s where I met Dave and Matt. The moral of this story is not for me to only attempt to date Jewish people. The real lesson here is what it always has been: There are a multitude of ways in which people can be nuts. Sticking with my “own kind” has not really helped the cause.

Denim Surveys and the Art of the Written Word

My recent correspondence on okcupid.com:

2ofakindguy:

hey there I know opposites attract so I figured we would be a perfect match, your funny, smart, in good shape, and seem witty, what more are you looking for? Let me guess a more attainable , humble, less egocentric version of Channing Tatum? Also I wanted to ask you because it looks like you’re into fashion have you ever heard of Joe’s jeans or 7 for all mankind?
mike

(I know there’s a lot of magic in this message. So much so that it makes little to no sense. If you want to read it more than once, I totally understand).

I remember receiving this exact message from this guy months earlier, but since he was still carrying out his market research, I was curious…:

Me:

You’re selling jeans on okcupid?

2ofakindguy:

lol im not selling jeans silly i was curious if you had heard of them?

Me (so silly):

Yes, I’ve heard of them.

2ofakindguy:

thats awesome good to hear that

Survey-851x1024

http://survey4u.org/

(No answer from me but awesome response from him)

2ofakindguy:

so how long have you been on this site and have you actually met anyone from here?

I didn’t write back to him, but here’s a hypothetical answer:

Well, yeah, “Mike,” I have met people on here. None of them have asked me if I ever heard of jeans companies before though…so that’s a big turn-on. So is your lack of punctuation, capital letters or any grasp of reality. Have fun with your survey results!

This was not as good as the last two e-mails I received via Match.com, and from okcupid.com, respectively:

1. how are you doing today, can i know more about you.

(the guy is 24 years older than me and lives in Texas…besides his incredible way with words).

2. you are very nice!

(23 years older than me and obviously knows what he’s talking about).

Summer’s upon us – so don’t be jealous of my latest online romances! There are tons to go around. I promise.

No Voice

John was a cool guy. Regardless of the way in which I spin our experience together in my head, I can’t really say that there was anything majorly screwed up about him. I can’t say that once we met, I felt too much chemistry either. So why would I even bring him up? Well…a few odd things happened on our date and I think they need to be scribed for posterity.

John and I had spoken on the phone early during the week and made arrangements to meet up for a drink that upcoming Friday. It was the beginning of summer and not only had I felt some sort of sniffle coming on, I had spent a decent portion of the day spraying the perimeter of my apartment with very strong bug spray to alleviate a small spider issue. The spray was meant for both the outdoors and indoors, and I probably would have benefitted from opening my windows just a tad more after spraying, so I didn’t swallow most of the vapors. My bad.

About 6 hours later, I stood outside of a really cute bar (his choice) waiting to meet John for Happy Hour. It was early evening at the beginning of the summer and the sun was pretty much blinding me as I stood by the bar entrance, casually turning my head to and fro, to see if he was making his way toward our meeting spot.

Suddenly, a guy in a black t-shirt and dark-framed glasses walked swiftly past me and into the bar. I could have sworn it was John, and as it turned out it was.

run to bathroom
https://forums.playfire.com/general-discussion/thread/96053?page=2#post-2647305

“Did you just rush into the bar by any chance?” I texted him.

Two minutes later, he replied, “Yeah, I really needed to go to the bathroom.”

Fair enough. I suppose.

So I walked into the bar and we greeted one another, got some cocktails and sat at a little table. Our conversation went pretty well. I have nothing against glasses, but didn’t really expect him to be wearing them, since he wasn’t wearing them in any of his photos – which is why it kind of threw me off when a be-spectacled version of him ran past me towards the loo. To be honest, I didn’t find him as attractive in person as I thought he was in his photos but he was a good guy with a warm personality so I thought chemistry could possibly develop.

We were talking about traveling a little bit, and I mentioned a recent work trip. John asked who I went with on the trip and when I told him “my boss,” he asked me if my boss was male or female. There were a few more questions after this from him, which basically turned into John claiming that there was something besides work going on between myself and my male boss. You know, because every workplace is a setting for a porn movie. Oh and EW! So that was a little awkward, but we moved on to another topic.

accusatory
http://www.ehow.com/how_6802365_handle-accusatory-boss.html

John was eventually on his third beer and once we were past the accusations of the affair I was having at work, he brought up the innocent topic of a friend’s upcoming wedding. He was one of the groomsmen and was really excited about it, as it would be a vacation for him and some friends across the country. We were discussing some of the details about it and my voice basically dwindled down to a whisper. I couldn’t get any sound out above some scratches and squeaks, despite multiple attempts at clearing my throat. I was not only sick, but I was instantaneously hit with laryngitis.

sorrycantspeak
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sgoralnick/93388706/

I believe it was right around the time when my voice disappeared that a large portion of John’s sanity went with it. First he said, “I would love for you to be my date for the wedding but you know, we just met.” Well, yeah…that’s true John. Then he asked me at least 3 times during the next 10 minutes why I didn’t seem like I was into him. I smiled and tried to talk as much as possible, swearing (in a scratchy whisper) that I was enjoying myself and everything was fine. It was almost as if he was accusing me of not liking him…very early on in our “relationship.” He wasn’t the least bit concerned that I couldn’t speak…only that I didn’t seem interested enough. So at that point, I was uncomfortable with both my date and my state of health. It was time to go.

I think John walked me to the train station from the bar and basically waved me away.

I ended up not being able to speak for two weeks. While I wasn’t challenged to explain to anyone else that I, indeed, did like them or that they had just sprinted past me toward a urinal, it was extremely frustrating.

Damn spider spray.

An Informative and Stimulating Guest Post: Cat Man Has Struck

Rejoice! I’m thrilled that one of my amazing friends has agreed to share one of her very own not-so-smitten dating stories and has allowed me to publish it here. While Beth lives across the country from me, her tale proves that crazy blind dates can occur anywhere, at any time:

The cool springtime air brushed against my face as I walked towards one of my favorite cafés in Minneapolis. He stood outside the door, looking around in anticipation of my arrival. He hadn’t seen me yet. We had connected through an online dating service and this wasn’t my first time meeting someone that way.

I typically did these first meetings during the day; and I always had plans immediately following, that would limit the amount of time we spent together straight away. Sound crazy? Trust me, it’s not.

He was tall, kind of cute and smiled big when he saw me stroll up. We said our hellos and he opened the door for me as we headed inside. So far, so good.

We tucked ourselves into a booth and made small talk as we studied the menu. He was soft spoken and seemed interested in what I had to say. As we ate, we learned we had some common ground. Cycling, photography, camping.

I wasn’t immediately attracted to him in an I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off kind of way, but he was cute and nice. I know physical attraction can develop as you get to know someone, so I was willing to see him again.

He asked me out again a couple of days later and we met up at an art museum. Ten minutes into meandering around the galleries, things kept getting more and more uncomfortable. He didn’t get my sense of humor and I certainly didn’t get his. Conversation was forced and awkward.

As I was quietly figuring out my exit plan, we turned into another room and there was a photograph of a cat on display. He smiled and exclaimed how cute it was. I bit my tongue, hiding my irrational fear of felines. There was no point in revealing that anymore.
beth-cat-crop Proof of Beth’s comfort level with cats.

“I bought coloring books for my cats,” he continued to tell me. Did I hear him correctly? I was hesitant to ask. Coloring books for his… okay.

“Oh… they color?” was all I could think to say. For the next twenty minutes he talked about the psychology of cats and their need for creative stimulation and I had visions of what future dates with him might look like. Would he make me dress up like a cat? Would HE dress up as the cat? Then what would I be? A ball of yarn? For the love of all things, I didn’t want to find out. He had no clue that I was leading us back towards the lobby while pretending to look at art along the way.

“So, want to grab a bite?” he asked as we stood in the busy atrium. I’m either really good at hiding my disinterest or he was just that clueless. There was a large crowd gathering for an event at the museum and I was scanning the room for the door that led to the parking garage.

“Can I help you?” said a woman about my age. She smiled and the look in her eye told me she knew exactly the situation I was in.

“Parking garage?” I asked her quietly, my date totally oblivious to the exchange I was having with this woman. She winked and nodded her head in the direction of the door.

“Thank you,” I said softly, touching her arm and admiring her ink. She smiled and went on her way. I told the cat-man that I had a lot of work to do and needed to call it a night. We walked out to our cars, embraced in an awkward hug and I quickly got the hell out of there.

cat-man A portrait of Beth’s date from the museum…at least in her mind. http://www.halloweencostumes.com

I drove home, cautiously watching my tail.

Pun intended.

I hope that this dude has discovered kittywigs.com. It might be the perfect source of entertainment and comfort for him. And what’s up with the
cat-obsessed men out there? For more thoughts, stories and inspiration from Beth, you can visit her fantastic blog here: theawkwarddancer.com

Bathing Dominatrix Princess

I understand the strategy of “casting a wide net” in the online dating world and I’m sure it is successful for some. Sometimes I give the guys that send me the most asinine messages some credit for making the attempt. I suppose that is what I am doing by posting these messages.

E-mail from Dude 1 (who is 13 years younger than me, which is something that neither of us are interested in, according to our profiles):

Subject: have you ever thought about a relationship with…

Message: have you ever thought about a relationship with a guy where you are in charge and he follows what you tell him to do? I think it could be really fun and exciting. Let me know what you think :).

Well, no. No I haven’t. And I didn’t know that match.com was a guise for kinky dominatrix partnerships either.

E-mail from Dude 2:

Subject: Okay… here’s a question…

Message: Cold shower or hot bath?

What? Did I just waste 5 seconds of my day reading that?

Dominatrix Princess

Dominatrix Princess

http://www.deviantart.com/art/Lunar-Princess-Animated-Adoptable-338102504

E-mail from Dude 3 (if you read this guy’s entire e-mail, you are a better person than me):

Message:

Princess,

So basically, the way I look at it, three VERY important things will happen here that will shape the rest of our lives together:

1. You and I are going to get together for an incredibly fun, romantic and memorable weekend. That weekend will be absolutely CRUCIAL as this first meeting will show that this handsome, sexy, romantic, intelligent, athletic, sweet, kind, personable and family-oriented guy IS the right one for you (and vice versa).

2. After this weekend is complete, shortly thereafter, you and I are going to go on a terrific week long vacation somewhere (cruise, beach, etc). As hard as you and I have been working lately, we BOTH deserve it.

3. After #1 and #2 take place, we’re going to recreate the whole “Meet The Parents” series, as I plan on popping an AMAZING Tiffany ring on your finger and making you the happiest princess ever. It’s time we give our parents the grandkids they always wanted, be terrific parents on our end, and watch them grow into strong Jewish men/women.

Anything else we each do on our end, is a waste of our time my love. Hope you’re having a great week- mazeltov! 🙂

Matt

If I think too hard about the planet that these men live on – where messages like these are possibly enticing…it makes my head spin. I’m sure there are women answering them. And that’s the scariest part of it all.

Tales of the Regular

It was somewhat of a challenge to start having regular exchanges with Jay via okcupid.com. After we had introduced ourselves, there was maybe one more message between the two of us and then I didn’t hear back from him for about two months. When I had assumed that he had simply moved on to brighter pastures, he explained that he was having some health issues and apologized for disappearing. He seemed like a good guy with a solid personality and sense of humor. I liked his attractive face and shaved head in all of his well-displayed photos. At the time, he lived very close to where my apartment was, and actually had a good job and a car, which I liked as well.

So the somewhat flirtatious banter started again, and then carried over into actual phone calls. It was during our first phone conversation that I learned that Jay was in the beginning stages of a fairly serious health condition. I won’t get into specifics, but it is an illness that chooses its own timetable, and definitely one that can mess with someone’s emotional well-being. While he attempted to play down the effects it had had on his life thus far, I could tell that he was questioning a lot of aspects of his future. But he was online looking for a date and possibly a relationship, right? I decided to be the dynamic individual I had always suspected myself to be and give it a shot with someone who seemed like a great person. Being a relentless dreamer, I looked into my future with Jay and imagined myself the noble wife of an ill but admirable man, wheeling him around and constantly trying to keep him comfortable while, showing a brave face to the rest of the world. I’m a hero, obviously.

There have been very few first dates where the guy has picked me up from my residence in an actual vehicle that they own (imagine that!), but Jay was one of them. So I got door-to-door service for the time and resources used on this date. That’s good considering how it went.

Strike 1: Rude, secret smoker. He said on his profile that he didn’t smoke cigarettes but his car reeked of smoke from the second I opened the door. I smoked regularly for a number of years and probably wouldn’t have judged him if he was open about being a smoker from the beginning. The pack that nearly flew out of his glove box didn’t help his cause too much either. He also complained about “not being able to get around the area” or “get an easy parking spot.” He grew up and had been living about 20 minutes away from where we were at the time for his entire life. Within the first 5 minutes in his car, I found him to be a rude liar who shouldn’t have volunteered to drive. So things were going well.

amazing-race-russian-taxi-guy

An image of Jay shortly before (and after) our date.
Source: http://www.tvgasm.com/home/amazing-race-recap-rushin-russians.html/2

Strike 2: HOLY CRAP this guy is unapologetically racist. After grumbling about not being able to find his way around anywhere, and the lack of parking spaces, we got to the restaurant (within minutes) and he parked across the street (easy peasy). We saw an older Latino man in chef whites limping slowly across the street, clearly trying to do it quickly. It was obvious that the man worked at the restaurant he had just walked out of and I immediately felt bad for him. Jay said a rude remark about the guy’s limp.

When we were sitting inside the restaurant a few minutes later, Jay brought up the guy’s limp again, laughing. I looked at him with disgust, and asked him why the Mexican guy who works in a kitchen is amusing.

He said “Oh, I thought he was regular.”

Come again? “What’s regular?” I asked. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. Did this dude not have appropriate bowel movements? Was he not a repetitive part of Jay’s life?

“You know,” he says, then puts his fingers in air quotes, “Caucasian.”

What the hell the guy’s race had to do with his occupation, his ethnicity or the reason it was funny that he had a limp – I have no idea. But I was completely baffled and started to think I was on a date with possibly one of the most ignorant people on the planet.

all-things-regular-x-new-era-59fifty-fitted-baseball-cap_1

Source: http://www.strictlyfitteds.com/blog/2011/02/regularolty-x-new-era%E3%80%8Call-things-regular%E3%80%8D59fifty-fitted-cap-2

And…

Strike 3: He said this: “Any girl that goes on an online dating site is looking to get laid or get married.”

How’s that for class?

Jay offered other gems such as his new pot-smoking strategies at the apartment he just moved into. He also stated that at the time of our date, he actually did not have a job, had no idea if he would ever work again and had no plans to figure out how to go about doing anything. Again, he had some health issues and was understandably shaken, but he had described a real job on his profile, so there was something else he had covered up. He obviously needed more time to work on his marijuana routine, but one would think a paycheck would be required for that sort of thing…

Now I don’t want you to faint from surprise, but I was thinking that this definitely wasn’t the guy for me.

After a wondrous dinner and ride back to my home, I got out of his smokestack – – um — car and quickly said thank you and goodbye. If I hurried inside, I would at least catch the second half of 20/20.

Lessons in Eagerness

Typically, I am not attracted to people who are overly fervent to date me from the get-go. Why would one be so excited that you exist and are talking to them when they don’t know anything about you? It is usually a sign of desperation or imbalance …which are two traits that I try to steer very clear of.

eager crazy dogs

For some reason or another, I allowed the following situation to occur. As though you can’t predict what happens, please humor me and learn–

I received a message through Match.com from an attractive and friendly guy. We exchanged a few messages. I was definitely interested in him, even with his quickly-peaked interest. Here’s a part of his fourth message to me:

hello,

All I can say is WOW!!! lol I have nothing to top that last email! all I can say is I read it on the subway and I developed an ear to ear smile and everyone on the subway was starting at me because I looked like I just won the lottery.. not sure if you have ever seen the movie Analyze This? allow me to reference a line from the movie where Robert Dinero is elated with Billy Crystal and he says, “Your good you!” “No you are you very good you!!” so now that I have gotten that out of the way there is nothing left to say but we must meet in person as soon as humanly possible, like right now..lol so as soon as you have free time let meet for a drink, dinner, dancing skydiving. Whatever. I am so down im below the ground!

Okay, so he was really into hyped-up streams of consciousness and corny metaphors, but “Hey,” I thought, “this guy’s got energy!”

I giggled at that (horribly written) e-mail and was flattered, which I suppose was the point. I also delicately pointed out that perhaps he should calm down on the excitement just a tad, considering we never met and had been messaging for about a day. He agreed and said he would chill out and we started the texting phase of our communication.

*Justin and I moved on to texting one another for the next few days. We discussed a number of different facets of our lives, and he asked me so many questions about my life and past, it seemed like he was drafting my biography. He mentioned how it was fate that we had met – more than once – and discussed future experiences we would have together several times. I was a bit put off, but decided to go with the experience.

He had asked me to meet him for our first date that coming Sunday, and when I checked in with him the day before to see where we would meet, he told me that he had to go visit his sick grandmother instead of meeting up. Mr. Eager all the sudden had other plans? I was a bit skeptical about that considering it was the first mention of Grandma, but wished his family well and we pushed our plans up to the next Tuesday.


“I’m all broken up…boy…”

So, 8 days after Justin had first written to me and basically demanded marriage, our “date” day had rolled around and I hadn’t heard from him. I probably shouldn’t have even bothered, but I texted him to see if we were still meeting up that evening. Here’s a texting summary:

Justin: Sure. Let’s definitely meet up.

Me: Okay, what time would you like to meet and where?

Justin: Hmmm…let me get back to you in a few.

Me: (still wondering where the eagerness had gone, thus being a total idiot) Okay…well let me know. By the way, it’s a bit weird that I have been texting you first for the past few days. It’s kind of making me feel apprehensive. I hope everything is okay?

Justin: Yep. Oh, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.

Me: Cool – so I guess just let me know where you’d like to meet up later.

—- TRUE CRAZY STARTS HERE —-

Justin: Look**, I met someone else and I think I have a strong connection with her. I want to see where it goes. But I think we can still meet up…as friends.

Me: (still assuming there was some logic left) Well, that’s fine. Why don’t we just see how we get along and go from there?

Justin: I think we should just be friends. I told you we would hang out so I don’t want to break my promises but just as friends.

Me: Okay… but I’m not understanding how someone that was so eager to meet me 3 days ago is now very serious about someone else…

Justin: Look, I don’t think we should meet up at all. Let’s just chalk this up to a funny experience and move on, okay?

Me: Wow.

I’m not going to say that I was too smart in still trying to hang out with Justin and I admit I look like a total loser for trying via text.

It is often a turn-off when guys are so eager when they don’t know you at all. In retrospect, it is even more of turn-off when they demonstrate a true personality disorder about a week later. I’m pretty sure I was just curious and made it a personal challenge to get him to meet up with me. A task I put on myself to get to see the crazy in person I suppose.

This is not really a story I am proud of, but it provides a good lesson in yet another form of insanity.

Early eagerness = Permanent Lunacy

*Named changed…just because…bleccch.

** Anyone who starts a verbal or written statement with the word “Look” is a melodramatic weirdo. Remember that.