Prince Charming Ain’t Here

This story is hilarious, and I’m glad the woman who experienced this was able to laugh about it. I’ve tried to find the exact words to tell clueless morons how ridiculous they are without looking like the proverbial “bitter single girl.” Never worked for me —

tinder

The things that people say behind the protection of an electronic screen, huh?

How about this amazing individual who took his introduction to my single female cousin as an invitation to make her a victim in a horror movie?

photoshopped skin dude

Are you still asking why online dating is not fun and a huge pain in the butt, as well as emotionally draining?!

Okay, fine – here’s another one that gave me a giggle. I sincerely hope it is real:

ex

More where that came from – stay tuned!

The Man Who Feared Tomatoes

Sean traveled to Manhattan from the middle of the New Jersey suburbs to meet me for our first blind date at a little Italian restaurant that I had chosen. And I know I say this about so many other people, but Sean really and truly was (and maybe still is?) a good guy. It was definitely me who kept him away after our second date.

I’m certainly no foodie, but I like to pretend I know what is going on in the cooking world and am friends with people like this guy who have helped me hone my superficial interest in dining.

During our first date, I vaguely remember suggesting several different appetizers for us to share – including mozzarella cheese, stuffed mushrooms, and possibly something seafood-related. He looked at me like I was crazy for each suggestion, and I believe we ended up sharing an order of fried calamari. His entree was a fairly simple pasta dish and he ate it very slowly. As he examined every morsel that went into his mouth, I started to ask him about food that he actually enjoys. I mentioned different types of cuisines to see if he would have any sort of positive reaction:

Me: Mexican? Tacos? Burritos?

Sean: (tongue sticks out, appalled) Oh man – definitely not.

Me: Any type of seafood, besides calamari?

Sean: Ew, gross!

Me: Burgers?

Sean: Yeah, that’s what I eat pretty much every day. But nothing on them.

Me: Not even condiments? Ketchup?

Sean: ABSOLUTELY NO KETCHUP – I hate it. And nothing else.

Me: So just a plain burger on a bun…do you like cheese?

Sean: Nope

Sean likes plain burgers, plain pasta and possibly some calamari (although I probably devoured that by myself).

At some point, he mentioned that he was a very simple “meat and potatoes kind of guy” so when he asked to see me again in Manhattan, I suggested Keens – a very well-known steakhouse that I had wanted to try for a long time. He seemed okay with Keens. He wasn’t over-the-moon like I was to be anywhere that was considered a classic. Yet he seemed content enough to order a steak. Like any nice meal, his steak had some random vegetables on it and I pointed out that the cherry tomatoes looked good. At that point, I think he was really trying to make me happy. He put the tiny tomato in his mouth and immediately spit it out. He was mortified. Flushed and tearing, shaking his head and sticking his tongue out, he glanced at me and I’m pretty sure I saw a little contempt in his eyes. I guess he wasn’t ready for a tomato.

Once I licked my plate clean of whatever I had been gratefully served, we exited the restaurant. Sean texted me later that night to let me know he had made it home (to the burbs) safely. I thanked him for a lovely time, and he said, “Yeah, I enjoyed it. But you made me eat a tomato.” It was like I committed murder and it was confusing to actually experience some guilt about something so ridiculously insignificant.

I have no idea why Sean asked me to hang out again. I had to turn him down. I love food too much for that sort of anxiety and trepidation to be repeated.

What Planet Do You Live on? Part 3 – Some Profile Photos and Concerns

Sent to me by a friend in disbelief – here’s a Tinder profile for someone that seems to be more demanding of his dates than anyone I have ever witnessed before. Just decoding his use of emojis to represent what is acceptable in his world is exhausting. But really … who isn’t currently “obsessed with indigenous South American culture”?

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My mom had a blouse like this in the late 60s. I know this because she kept it over the years and I got to wear it as part of my costume for a fiesta-themed birthday party in the 3rd grade. Now this guy on Match has it – in all of its masculine sexy glory. I know you’re turned on…take a minute:

senorita shirt match guy

And then check out this guy’s screen name. The sad thing is he will probably find his future wife with it:

fantastic-screenname

I don’t understand…well I don’t understand most of what I see on dating sites…but I really don’t understand people who have profiles that aren’t filled out. They typically will message me (and plenty of other women who really enjoy having their time wasted by a series of “I’m too busy to fill this out”s when they really mean they are brainless and / creepier than your normal online dater and can’t string together some photos and a bio). If they do send a message first (because they somehow have the time to do that), it will say “Hi, how are you?” or something even shorter than that. I guess it’s all part of this “Pussy Affluenza” affliction that many single men are suffering from these days. So…little…effort…

Yet, this guys’s only online photo had to take a little diligence to put together:

profile under construction

So, what do we think? Is he just tragically ugly and too shy to share his appearance? Is he not single? Is he a criminal who harvests the organs of online daters who doesn’t want his photo out there? I’ll let you be the judge, since I’m obviously just here to make fun of him.

Conversations With My Cousin: Magnetism for the Maniac

There are many times when I wonder if it is just me…am I the only one receiving the weirdest messages from the most disturbed individuals on the Internet? Or am I the one that is too critical and not giving the right people a chance?

Then I hear from my cousin and somehow everything equalizes. A very smart and beautiful female of a similar age who works full-time, living in a different region* of the U.S., she often finds some real winners as well. Here are some that she has shared with me, instead of deleting immediately and setting her profile, phone and computer on fire, which is typically my first instinct:

looklikeyourdadmatch

What would they chat about? His own personal daddy issues?

falloutofheavenmatch

And then…what? She vomits?

ifyouwereafruit

WTF???

Maybe it is in our blood…some sort of pull that we have on the crazy. Here’s a recent text exchange we had:

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* This post is dedicated to the people who tell me how my dating issues would be solved if I left New York. Uh huh.

What Planet Do You Live On?

Look at the incredible way that Marilyn Manson Junior has introduced himself into my heart!

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And I was excited to see that this gentleman is so free with his bodily functions that he uses a photo to demonstrate that on Tinder:

photo

But then I considered going out with him:

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(I’m not even sure what his message said – I was laughing too hard at his main photo).

But most importantly, do you guys think I should take advantage of this offer?

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We can “even get coffee”!! Jackpot.

The Flue was Lubricated and They had Gone on About Six Dates

I would like to personally thank KTLA for covering this hard-hitting story and deterring even more would-be “normal” members of online dating sites. Just because this woman felt like doing a Santa Claus impression with her new man (in her head only) doesn’t mean all site members are twisted and think entering someone’s home via chimney is appropriate:

Incidentally, how creative is this image as a dating profile pic?

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Full text available here: http://ktla.com/2014/10/19/firefighters-rescue-woman-trapped-in-chimney-at-thousand-oaks-home/

General Online Dating Profile Writing Tips

Online dating can be stressful for a variety of reasons. One of the main causes of this stress can be the information that is presented on profiles. There is a wide range of problems that can exist in the text portion of one’s profile but I think the worst offense is not including any text at all.

All of us can treat the categories and requests on the online forms with deference and make fun of them for being cheesy or lame questions, but they are there to help us explain who we are and to understand what we are looking for. If someone leaves their profile blank, I typically assume they are either on the site just to be creepy and stalk others or they have something to hide. In other words, I will not be in contact with them.

Erring on the side of the extremely cynical dater, I offer a few tips to those who want to actually have a conversation and / or date people they meet online:

– Take the time to fill out the “about me” section. Give yourself a goal of at least 2 sentences.

– Think about the type of person you would like to attract and what you would want to know about them, and offer your own info in that realm

dating biz card

– DON’T EVER TYPE THIS SENTENCE ON YOUR PROFILE: “Anything you want to know, just ask.” Besides being grammatically incorrect (oops – poking at bad writing again — can’t help it), an invitation to interview you is not appealing.

– Understand that an online dating profile is not a private document meant to offer your deepest emotions and history. It is there to offer a general idea of the type of person you are and what you are looking for.

– (Try and) be honest. Like the rest of this post, this should go without saying, but a few personal pieces of data can show that you are putting some thought into online dating and interested in getting to know others.

Outside of the obviously disturbing / eerie profiles, blank ones are probably the worst kinds. Please take the time to fill at least some of it out. Show the rest of us that you are not only a good person to connect with but also one that is literate!

Visual Temptation

I would like to take a second to thank some of you fine men out there for posting some truly attractive photos for us to judge and enjoy…

dbag profile 4

dbag profile 3

Dirty Ass…bigsausage76…you fellas are truly in a class all your own. The respect and heartwarming message you have given your viewers, with just a name and photo is uplifting and dare I say, sexy.

I also really enjoyed the following guy’s two photos extensively. The chair that doesn’t seem to live on a planet with gravitational pull that he casually sits on, with one bare foot in the air while tweaking his (assumed) expensive sunglasses is impressive. So is his torso placement on a dark couch while modeling what must be a power suit with spacious pockets. But check out that Tinder intro! Not only is he healthy and a Skype user, but he also “trades stock market”! Further, he’s “IN TO SEX.” Jackpot! The foot in the air, the modeling on odd furniture, the claim that my happiness is “his duty” (when he’s not foot / furniture modeling) and my sneaking suspicion that he is either a prostitute or looking for one really sets this guy apart for me. Please…take it all in and try to absorb the goodness:

dbag profile 2

dbag profile 1

Clairvoyance on Okcupid

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times (and I think I have on here): okcupid.com is chock-full of nonsensical messages. Here’s more proof:

“Onezen” was nice enough to not only compliment my countenance, but he also took some words of wisdom that I can only imagine were obtained from some higher power – like a fortune cookie – and shared them with me. Note my heartened response that is also viewable below:

onezen clairvoyant

I don’t understand what someone who sends this message expects the recipient to do in return. It’s not even mean or- GASP! – grammatically incorrect like this:

Hello,

Dropping unannounced; so beg apologies beforehand.

Since you are from the City and I moved into the City around 8 months ago without getting much time to see around: will you be willing to show me around….

In return I can tell you some jokes (perhaps) or give you one of my paintings. I live in UWS by 54th. I want to see some galleries and attend an Ensemble. I swim regularly in my gym, but do you happen to know if there are places outside, a lake perhaps.

Great day,

S

…Or this:

Hello’ how are you? You alright’ can you meet me for coffee?

…Actually, it’s similar to this gem:

hi my good heart sister. u are e special people we want in life. i cant forgo u for any other person. and could see, u will be a faithful partner

It’s just… a rambling horoscope offered within a message on an online dating site.

The usual.